Rabbi's Reflections
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Gossip and Other Jewish Religous Teachings on Speech
“Who is the person who desires life? Who loves days filled with good? Guard your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Turn from evil and do good. Seek peace and pursue it.”- Psalm 34:13-14
Mi ha-ish he-khafetz khayyim? Ohev yamim leerot tov. N’tzor l’shonkha mey-ra, u’sefatekha mee-daber mirma. Sur mey-ra v’asey tov, bakesh shalom v’radfayhu.
מִי הָאִישׁ הֶחָפֵץ חַיִּים
אהֵב יָמִים לִרְאוֹת טְוֹב:
נְצר לְשׁוֹנְךָ מֵרַע
וּשְׂפָתֶיךָ מִדַּבֵּר מִרְמָה
סוּר מֵרָע וַעֲשֵׂה-טוֹב
בַּקֵּשׁ שָׁלוֹם וְרָדְפֵהוּ:
WISDOM FROM OUR TRADITION
A. LIFE AND DEATH ARE IN THE HAND OF THE TONGUE- PROVERBS 18:21
1. Before you speak, you are the master of your words. After you speak, your words become your master.- Orchot Tzaddikim, ch. 21
2. The whole world exists only in the merit of one who restrains themselves during a quarrel.- Khullin 89a
3. Whoever tells tales about another person violates a prohibition, as it is said, ‘Do not go about as a talebearer among your neighbors’ (op. cit.) Who is a tale-bearer? One who carries reports and goes about from one person to another and says, ‘So-and-so said this;’ ‘I have heard such-and-such about so-and-so.’ Even if what the person repeats is true, the talebearer ruins the world.
There is a still more grave offense that comes with this prohibition, namely the evil tongue. This means talking disparagingly of anyone, even though what one says is true; but one who utters falsehood is called a slanderer.
A person with an evil tongue is one who, sitting in company, says, ‘That person did thus and such a thing;’ ‘So-and-so’s ancestors were so-and-so;’ ‘I have heard this about them;’ and then proceeds to talk scandal.
There are modes of speech that may be styled ‘dust of the evil tongue:’ such remarks as ‘Who would have thought that so-and-so would be as they are now;’ or, ‘Be silent about so-and-so. I don’t want to tell what happened;’ and so on. . .
Equally reprehensible is the person who indulges in evil speech deceitfully, that is speaks as though innocently, unaware that what they say is an evil utterance. - Maimonides, Hilkhot Deot, 7:1-4
4. Rav Amram says, ‘There are three sins which no one escapes every day. . . lashon ha-ra.’ Lashon ha-ra! Rather- the dust of lashon ha-ra.- Baba Batra 165b
5. Why do human fingers resemble pegs? So that if one hears something improper, one can plug one’s fingers in one’s ears.- Ketubot 5b
6. A person is born with a fixed number of words to speak; when they are spoken, the person dies. Imagine that this is true for you. Every word that you speak brings you closer to death. The next time you are about to utter a word, ask yourself whether this word is worth dying for.- Baal Shem Tov
7. The Holy One said to the tongue: All the members of the human body are standing, you are lying; all the members of the human body are outside, you are inside; not only that, but I surround you with two walls, one of bone and one of flesh.- Arakhin 15b
8. A healing tongue is a tree of life. - Proverbs 15:4
9. When you want to maintain your God-consciousness while talking to others, see to it that everything you say is directed to God; you can also think that all the words you speak are coming to you from God who gives you the power to speak. - Darkhei Tzedek, 4:16
10. Twice a week you should have a set period for reflection and meditation on how you should be as careful in giving out words as in giving out money. - Hayei Musar, 3:89
11. You should receive every person with warmth, bear his yoke, and treat him with gentleness as if he were your king. It is part of human kindness to listen to him talk, even if he overdoes it.- Zot Zichron, p. 3
12. There are seven signs of a fool and seven of a wise person. The wise one does not speak in the presence of those who are greater in wisdom or number; does not interrupt another person’s speech; does not rush to answer; asks to the point and answers correctly; speaks of the first point first and of the last, last; if he has not heard of something, he says: ‘I have not heard of it;’ and he admits the truth. The reverse is true of the fool. - Pirke Avot 5:7
B. WHAT IS LASHON HARA?
1. Just as a person dislikes any blemish on their own name, so they should avoid damaging someone else’s reputation. - Avot d’Rabbi Natan 15:1
2. As a rule, most people seem to think that there is nothing morally wrong in spreading negative information about others as long as the information is true. Jewish law takes a very different view. Perhaps that is why the Hebrew term lashon ha-ra has no precise equivalent in English. For unlike slander, which is universally condemned as immoral because it is false, lashon ha-ra is by definition true. It is the dissemination of accurate information that will lower the status of the person to whom it refers.
Since lashon ha-ra is considered anything that lowers another person’s status, it is irrelevant whether one uses a nonverbal technique to commit it. Jewish law designates this behavior as avak lashon ha-ra (the “dust of lashon ha-ra).
3. Why is gossip like a three-pronged tongue? Because it kills three people: the person who says it, the person who listens to it, and the person about whom it is said.- Arakhin 15b
4. Rabbi Yossi taught, ‘I never made a statement for which I would have to turn around and check whether the person about whom I was speaking was present.’- Arakhin 15b
5. Do not speak in praise of your neighbor, for through speaking their praise you will come to disparage them. - Arakhin 16a
6. A person who says of a rabbi that he has no voice and of a cantor that he is not a scholar is a gossip. A person who says of a rabbi that he is no scholar and of a cantor that he has no voice is a murderer.- Rabbi Israel Salanter
7. Do I need to look behind me before I say it? If the answer is yes, do not say it.- Rabbi Abraham Twerski
8. Rav Monah said, “One who utters lashon hara causes the Shekhina to distance Herself.”- Devarim Rabba 5:10
9. Rabbi Yokhanan said, “Anyone who speaks lashon hara- it is as if they denied the fundamental principle (of Judaism).”- Arakhin 15b
10. You are not allowed to believe any Leshohn-Horah or Defamation. . .Even if you feel that what you hear is true—but a favorable interpretation is possible; Even after the matter has already been publicized. . . Even if in your opinion—there is no way to judge the matter favorably; Even though you do not agree fully with what you hear. . . Although the person who tells the Leshohn-Horah: Includes himself in his criticism. . . Does not intend to vilify anybody:. . . Expresses his willingness to repeat what he said—in the criticized person’s presence. . . Even if the person discussed was present himself and failed to react—you must not believe the Leshohn-Horah as long as that person fails to admit the wrong he was supposed to have done. Leshohn-Horah must not be believed if uttered; Even by one of your close relatives. . .Even by someone who is. . . trustworthy.
11. He who speaks Leshohn-Horah will find it difficult to make amends when he eventually decides to repent: Since he does not consider the sin to be that serious. . . Since he got used to Leshohn-Horah and is less able to restrain himself. . Because he is unable to cancel the effects of his Leshohn-Horah, since he would have to ask each of the vilified persons for forgiveness and it is very likely that: He does not remember—each person he slandered; He does not recall what he said—in each individual case; He is embarrassed to let people know—that he vilified them; He does not remember—to whom he related the Leshohn-Horah; He cannot erase the negative impression—which his words have made on the listeners; He cannot contact some listeners (he may remember). . . Since repentance is thus impossible—in the sense of the verse: “What has become distorted cannot be straightened out.” (Kohelet 1:15)
C. WHAT IS REKHILUT?
1. A subdivision of lashon ha-ra is tattling, telling others negative comments people have made about them.
2. Do not go about as a talebearer among your people.- Leviticus 19:16
3. In order for a community to succeed in (such) cultural change, it is useful for people to identify the desire and enjoyment element in rekhilut. It is hard to give up something without admitting that it has a lot to offer. Then one needs to identify the actual and potential pain and harm caused in order to make it worth foregoing the pleasure. The tool of awareness is critical to this process of teshuva on both an individual and a communal level.- Rabbi Sheila Peltz Weinberg
4. Casting aspersions on an ethnic, racial or religious group or on an organization or social group is also a form of rekhilut.- Rabbi David Teutsch
5. Divorce is a common situation hospitable to rekhilut. . . It is challenging to be a supportive friend and not play into this pattern.- Rabbi Sheila Peltz Weinberg
D. WHAT IS MOTZI SHEM RA?
1. The most grievous violation of ethical speech is the spreading of malicious falsehoods, what Jewish law calls motzi shem ra, “giving another a bad name.”
2. Take heed and know that a person who agrees with a slanderous statement when they hear it is as bad as the one who says it, for everyone will say, ‘That person listened to what has been said and agreed with it, and that shows that it must be true.’ Even if the hearer only turns to listen to the gossip and gives the impression of believing it to be true, they spread the evil, bring disgrace on their neighbor, and encourage slanderers to carry their evil reports to all people.- Jonah ben Avraham Gerondi, Shaarei Teshuva, section 3
3. There are 3 crowns- the crown of Torah, the crown of priesthood and the crown of royalty. And the crown of a good name exceeds them all.- Pirke Avot 4:17
4. You should refrain from speaking derogatorily of any man, and even of any creature or animal.- Rabbi Moshe Cordovero
E. WHEN IS “GOSSIP” APPROPRIATE?
1. The most obvious instance in which we are permitted to solicit “lashon hara for a purpose” is when we are in practical need of such information. Jewish law defines this as applying in the following situations: If we are planning to:
• enter into a business relationship with another
• hire an employee
• go to work for someone
• become involved, or if we are involved, in a romantic relationship with someone
2. Know that incidents. . . such as those involving theft, robbery, damage, the causing of pain, shaming and wronging with words, may be revealed to others. Even a solitary observer should relate what he has seen, so as to assist the one who has been wronged.- Jonah ben Avraham Gerondi, Shaarei Teshuva, 3:221
3. On Revealing Flaws in a Prospective Marriage Partner- First, he must be absolutely certain that the information is true. Second, the flaw must be of very great significance. Third, his intentions in revealing the information must be entirely noble and not vengeful in any way. Fourth, there must be a reasonable chance that the information will affect the person receiving the news. If it is most likely that the person will ignore the news then one may not reveal the information. Fifth, one may not exaggerate the information. Sixth, there must not be an alternative way of achieving the desired goal without revealing the sensitive information.- Chofetz Chayim, Hilkhot Rekhilut, Chapter Six
4. You are permitted to criticize someone who has slandered you. . .a robber, crook, swindler, bully, hypocrite. . . It is permitted to tell Leshohn-Horah about those troublemakers who started a controversy. . . in order to forestall fraud. . . If someone threatens that when he meets so-and-so he will insult him or cause him some other damage. . . In order to forestall possible damage in the future. . . In order to forestall problems arising in business partnerships, etc. . . In order to prevent Shidookhin problems. . . To a prospective father-in-law (or mother-in-law) that you have heard that the proposed son-in-law has an illness (or problematic views) which are not self-evident.
F. PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT
1. A person who publicly shames their neighbor is like someone who has shed blood. To which Rabbi Nakhman answered, ‘You have spoken well. I have seen that when someone is shamed, the color leaves their face and they become pale.’ Abbaye asked Rabbi Dimi, ‘What do people in Palestine most carefully try to avoid?’ He answered, ‘Putting others to shame.’ Three categories of people are condemned to Gehinnom for eternity. . . one who calls their neighbor by a degrading nickname, even if the other is accustomed to that name. . . It would be better for a person to throw themselves into a fiery furnace than publicly put their neighbor to shame.- Baba Metzia 58b-59a
2. The gossip stands in Syria and kills in Rome.- Peah 1:1
3. It once happened that while Rabbi was giving a lecture, he smelled garlic in the room. ‘The person who has eaten garlic must leave,’ he announced. Rabbi Khiya stood up and left, and then all the other scholars followed him out. In the morning, Rabbi Shimon, the son of Rabbi, met Rabbi Khiya and said, ‘Was it you who caused that annoying odor?’ ‘Heaven forbid,’ said Rabbi Khiya.- Sanhedrin 11a
4. If a person has repented it is forbidden to say to them- ‘Remember your early deeds.’- Baba Metzia 58b
5. An ancient Jewish teaching observes: It would be better for a person not to have been born at all than to experience these seven things:. . . and publicly shaming (another person).
6. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak- Rabbi Harold Kushner
7. Silence is a fence to wisdom.- Pirke Avot 3:17
8. At least a pillow contains a finite number of feathers. An email, on the other hand, can be forwarded ad infinitum.- Rabbi Michael Fessler
9. In order to avoid embarrassing someone even unintentionally, don’t raise your voice when talking to him. . . Don’t raise a subject which may embarrass him. . . Don’t boast about your children. . . Don’t visit someone unannounced.
10. Let the honor of another be as beloved in your eyes as your own.- Pirke Avot 2:15
G. RESPECTING PRIVACY
1. When you make a loan of any sort to your neighbor, you must not enter their house to seize their pledge. You must remain outside, while the person
to whom you made the loan brings the pledge out to you.- Deuteronomy 24:10
2. Cursed is the one who strikes their neighbor in secret.- Deuteronomy 27:24
3. A person should never enter another person’s home without warning. In this regard we can learn good manners from God, who remained outside the Garden of Eden and called to Adam before entering, as it is written, “Adonai Elohem called out to man and said to him, ‘Where are you?’”- Derekh Eretz Rabba, ch. 5
4. Tell no tales about friend or foe; unless silence makes you an accomplice, never betray a person’s secret. Suppose someone has heard you and learned to distrust you, they will seize the first chance to show their hatred. Have you heard a rumor? Let it die with you. Never fear, it will not make you burst. A fool with a secret goes through agony like a woman in childbirth.- The Wisdom of Ben Sira, 19:8-11
5. Rumor had it that a certain disciple of Rabbi Ammi revealed a secret report he had been given in the house of study twenty two years earlier. So Rabbi Ammi expelled him with the accusation: ‘This man reveals secrets!’- Sanhedrin 31a
6. The gains from invading privacy are usually obvious, but some of the largest costs of invading privacy are more subtle. These include not only the short-term strain on relationships and the losses to the person whose privacy has been breached, but the broader erosion of trust, a form of moral and social capital that is critical to sustaining community and building relationships. . . When violating privacy also involves breaching confidentiality, the moral price of doing so increases considerably.- Rabbi David Teutsch
7. The existence of privacy in a world where information is so plentiful depends on our mutual agreement to respect each other’s privacy. Eavesdropping and opening someone else’s mail are flagrant examples of violating privacy rights. Of course, the speaker ought to take modest precautions, such as not speaking of private matters in a public place with a loud voice or while talking on a cell phone.- Rabbi David Teutsch
8. In the world of email, the use of the “bcc” feature (blind copy) violates privacy when it is used to let a third party or parties see an email that the receiver thinks is a completely private communication. However, in the case of an e-mail sent to a large group, one must use the bcc feature in order to preserve the privacy of the names and addresses on the distribution list.- Rabbi Shai Gluskin
H. WHEN AND HOW TO REBUKE
1. You shall not hate your neighbor in your heart. Reprove your neighbor but bear no guilt because of them.- Leviticus 19:17
2. Whoever can stop the members of their household from sinning and doesn’t is held responsible for the sins of the household. If one can stop the members of the city from sinning and doesn’t, one is responsible for the sins of the city. If one can stop the whole world from sinning and doesn’t, one is responsible for the sins of the whole world.- Shabbat 54b
3. Jerusalem was destroyed because its citizens didn’t rebuke one another.- Shabbat 119b
4. How do we know that one who sees their friend do something ugly is obligated to rebuke them? Because it is written, ‘You shall surely rebuke, yes, rebuke your neighbor.(Leviticus 19:17)’- Arakhin 16b
5. Before you criticize someone, ask yourself three questions: 1. How do I feel about offering this criticism? Does it give me pleasure or pain? 2. Does my criticism offer specific ways to change? 3. Are my words nonthreatening and reassuring?
6. Love unaccompanied by criticism is not love.- Bereshit Rabba 54:3
7. Do not rebuke a scoffer for they will hate you; reprove a wise person and they will grow wiser.- Proverbs 9:8
8. Just as a person is commanded to speak up if they will be heeded, so a person is not commanded to speak up if they will not be heeded.- Yevamot 65b
9. A person who rebukes another, whether for offenses against the rebuker themselves, or for sins against God, should administer the rebuke in private, speak to the offender gently and tenderly, and point out that they are speaking only for the wrongdoers good. . . If the wrongdoer accepts the rebuke, well and good. If not, they should be rebuked a second and a third time. And so one is bound to continue the admonition until the sinner assaults the admonisher and says, “I refuse to listen.”- Maimonides, Hilkhot Deot, 6:7
10. The external marks of humility are ‘gentle speech, a low voice, meekness when exasperated and sparing in taking vengeance when one has the power to execute it,’ and the lack of haughtiness when rebuking others.- Bachya ibn Pakuda
11. One who hates admonition does not leave themselves a path toward repentance.- Maimonides, Hilkhot Teshuva, 4:2
12. Judge all people favorably.- Pirke Avot 1:6
I. WHEN AND WHY TO LIE
1. Lying lips are an abomination to the Holy One.- Proverbs 12:22
2. The punishment of a liar is that even when they speak the truth they are not believed.- Sanhedrin 89b
3. One should not promise a child something, and then not give it to them, because as a result the child will learn to lie.- Sukka 46b
4. If you suspect that a statement made by one person about another may cause trouble, don’t repeat it. In the Torah, the eighty-nine-year old Sarah, overhearing an angel of the Lord predicting that she will give birth to a child within the year, laughs to herself and says, ‘Now that I am withered, am I to have enjoyment, with my husband so old?’ In the next verse, God asks Abraham, ‘Why did Sarah laugh, saying, ‘Shall I in truth bear a child, old as I am?’’ (Genesis 18:12-13) Compare Sarah’s words with God’s, and you will notice that the Lord leaves out the words, ‘with my husband so old,’ presumably because these words might hurt or anger Abraham. On the basis of this verse, the Rabbis conclude, ‘Great is peace, seeing that for its sake even God modified the truth’ (Yevamot 65b).
5. It is a mitzva to gladden the bridegroom and bride and to dance before them and to say that she is beautiful and graceful, even if she is not beautiful. . . If a person made a bad purchase in the market you should praise it in their eyes.- Ketubot 16b-17a
6. Rabbi Joshua ben Khananya was served oversalted food at a host’s home. When the hostess noticed that he was not eating, asked, “Why do you not eat?”, he answered, “I just finished eating earlier.”- Eruvin 53b
7. Jewish law permits, or even obligates, us to lie, exaggerate, or otherwise mislead another:
• lying to prevent future harm (for example, when life- either your own or someone else’s- is at stake)
• lying in order to right a past wrong done to you (for example, when dealing with a dishonest or deceptive person or government)
• lying when the effect of telling the truth will cause unnecessary hurt (for example, when people’s feelings are involved, and no advantage, but only pain, will come from speaking the truth)
• trying to create peace or otherwise do good (for example, lying to a poor person to encourage him to accept money he needs)
• lying because a question invades your zone of privacy (for example, a woman who tells unwanted suitors that she is engaged or married)
• lying when exaggerating to make a point, and it is understood that you are exaggerating (“I was so upset, I thought I was going to explode.”)
8. It is permitted to tell a complete lie for the sake of peace.- Chofetz Chayyim, Hilkhot Rekhilut, 1:8
9. Be untruthful to others as you would have others be untruthful to you.- Dr. David Nyberg
GUARD MY TONGUE FROM EVIL AND MY LIPS FROM SPEAKING FALSEHOOD
THE GIFT OF LISTENING FROM HEALING FROM DESPAIR
“Whenever we listen to a suffering soul, we offer a precious gift and in doing so we become a blessing.”
“When a person brings me a story of loss, I listen as if honoring a sacred text. On the pshat level, I listen to learn what happened: the simple events in chronological order, the characters, and the physical realities. Then comes the level of remez, the emotional responses, whether anger, guilt or fear, that require a caring presence for the telling of the story. At the drash level the story is analyzed intellectually for the issues that can be addressed, perhaps theologically or with the aid of a physician or a fellow survivor. And for sod, the mystical level, understanding must be intuitive, the listener must uncover the unspoken.”- p. 37
“Active listening can offer compassion by taking in a story without passing judgment, by responding to the unspoken questions, and by addressing the questions of identity and purpose. And more, Buber recognized that we find the divine not in the moment of the ecstatic experience alone but in the simple, daily task of being fully present with others and thereby with God.”- p. 122
“When I listen, I try to do so with attentiveness to the unspoken, and with a focus on honoring the gifts within the suffering soul. I am aware of the presence of divine sparks in each person, sparks that yearn to return to the Creator, to the source of goodness.”- p. 114
“When we become listeners, we become aware of the suffering that has been quietly hiding all around us. To listen well is to be open to the suffering of the speaker, without offering judgments or solutions. When we listen actively, we offer humility and compassion, the blessings of despair.”- p. 46
“To listen carefully is a privilege that may take a toll on the listener. To listen is to hear a story without giving in to the urge to solve the crisis, to give advice, to challenge false assumptions, or to fix the brokenness. Listening requires offering the gifts of time, patience, and kindness.”
“To listen to another person is to bring comfort through connection. . . In listening to a soul in pain, sometimes all we can offer is mindful listening. And in that act of listening, we validate that the soul is worthy of time and attention, that the burdens that cause pain are real and heavy, and that good continues to exist in a broken world. Our very presence as caring listeners attests to the kindness that exists in an imperfect but beautiful world.”- pp. 122-123
Mi ha-ish he-khafetz khayyim? Ohev yamim leerot tov. N’tzor l’shonkha mey-ra, u’sefatekha mee-daber mirma. Sur mey-ra v’asey tov, bakesh shalom v’radfayhu.
מִי הָאִישׁ הֶחָפֵץ חַיִּים
אהֵב יָמִים לִרְאוֹת טְוֹב:
נְצר לְשׁוֹנְךָ מֵרַע
וּשְׂפָתֶיךָ מִדַּבֵּר מִרְמָה
סוּר מֵרָע וַעֲשֵׂה-טוֹב
בַּקֵּשׁ שָׁלוֹם וְרָדְפֵהוּ:
WISDOM FROM OUR TRADITION
A. LIFE AND DEATH ARE IN THE HAND OF THE TONGUE- PROVERBS 18:21
1. Before you speak, you are the master of your words. After you speak, your words become your master.- Orchot Tzaddikim, ch. 21
2. The whole world exists only in the merit of one who restrains themselves during a quarrel.- Khullin 89a
3. Whoever tells tales about another person violates a prohibition, as it is said, ‘Do not go about as a talebearer among your neighbors’ (op. cit.) Who is a tale-bearer? One who carries reports and goes about from one person to another and says, ‘So-and-so said this;’ ‘I have heard such-and-such about so-and-so.’ Even if what the person repeats is true, the talebearer ruins the world.
There is a still more grave offense that comes with this prohibition, namely the evil tongue. This means talking disparagingly of anyone, even though what one says is true; but one who utters falsehood is called a slanderer.
A person with an evil tongue is one who, sitting in company, says, ‘That person did thus and such a thing;’ ‘So-and-so’s ancestors were so-and-so;’ ‘I have heard this about them;’ and then proceeds to talk scandal.
There are modes of speech that may be styled ‘dust of the evil tongue:’ such remarks as ‘Who would have thought that so-and-so would be as they are now;’ or, ‘Be silent about so-and-so. I don’t want to tell what happened;’ and so on. . .
Equally reprehensible is the person who indulges in evil speech deceitfully, that is speaks as though innocently, unaware that what they say is an evil utterance. - Maimonides, Hilkhot Deot, 7:1-4
4. Rav Amram says, ‘There are three sins which no one escapes every day. . . lashon ha-ra.’ Lashon ha-ra! Rather- the dust of lashon ha-ra.- Baba Batra 165b
5. Why do human fingers resemble pegs? So that if one hears something improper, one can plug one’s fingers in one’s ears.- Ketubot 5b
6. A person is born with a fixed number of words to speak; when they are spoken, the person dies. Imagine that this is true for you. Every word that you speak brings you closer to death. The next time you are about to utter a word, ask yourself whether this word is worth dying for.- Baal Shem Tov
7. The Holy One said to the tongue: All the members of the human body are standing, you are lying; all the members of the human body are outside, you are inside; not only that, but I surround you with two walls, one of bone and one of flesh.- Arakhin 15b
8. A healing tongue is a tree of life. - Proverbs 15:4
9. When you want to maintain your God-consciousness while talking to others, see to it that everything you say is directed to God; you can also think that all the words you speak are coming to you from God who gives you the power to speak. - Darkhei Tzedek, 4:16
10. Twice a week you should have a set period for reflection and meditation on how you should be as careful in giving out words as in giving out money. - Hayei Musar, 3:89
11. You should receive every person with warmth, bear his yoke, and treat him with gentleness as if he were your king. It is part of human kindness to listen to him talk, even if he overdoes it.- Zot Zichron, p. 3
12. There are seven signs of a fool and seven of a wise person. The wise one does not speak in the presence of those who are greater in wisdom or number; does not interrupt another person’s speech; does not rush to answer; asks to the point and answers correctly; speaks of the first point first and of the last, last; if he has not heard of something, he says: ‘I have not heard of it;’ and he admits the truth. The reverse is true of the fool. - Pirke Avot 5:7
B. WHAT IS LASHON HARA?
1. Just as a person dislikes any blemish on their own name, so they should avoid damaging someone else’s reputation. - Avot d’Rabbi Natan 15:1
2. As a rule, most people seem to think that there is nothing morally wrong in spreading negative information about others as long as the information is true. Jewish law takes a very different view. Perhaps that is why the Hebrew term lashon ha-ra has no precise equivalent in English. For unlike slander, which is universally condemned as immoral because it is false, lashon ha-ra is by definition true. It is the dissemination of accurate information that will lower the status of the person to whom it refers.
Since lashon ha-ra is considered anything that lowers another person’s status, it is irrelevant whether one uses a nonverbal technique to commit it. Jewish law designates this behavior as avak lashon ha-ra (the “dust of lashon ha-ra).
3. Why is gossip like a three-pronged tongue? Because it kills three people: the person who says it, the person who listens to it, and the person about whom it is said.- Arakhin 15b
4. Rabbi Yossi taught, ‘I never made a statement for which I would have to turn around and check whether the person about whom I was speaking was present.’- Arakhin 15b
5. Do not speak in praise of your neighbor, for through speaking their praise you will come to disparage them. - Arakhin 16a
6. A person who says of a rabbi that he has no voice and of a cantor that he is not a scholar is a gossip. A person who says of a rabbi that he is no scholar and of a cantor that he has no voice is a murderer.- Rabbi Israel Salanter
7. Do I need to look behind me before I say it? If the answer is yes, do not say it.- Rabbi Abraham Twerski
8. Rav Monah said, “One who utters lashon hara causes the Shekhina to distance Herself.”- Devarim Rabba 5:10
9. Rabbi Yokhanan said, “Anyone who speaks lashon hara- it is as if they denied the fundamental principle (of Judaism).”- Arakhin 15b
10. You are not allowed to believe any Leshohn-Horah or Defamation. . .Even if you feel that what you hear is true—but a favorable interpretation is possible; Even after the matter has already been publicized. . . Even if in your opinion—there is no way to judge the matter favorably; Even though you do not agree fully with what you hear. . . Although the person who tells the Leshohn-Horah: Includes himself in his criticism. . . Does not intend to vilify anybody:. . . Expresses his willingness to repeat what he said—in the criticized person’s presence. . . Even if the person discussed was present himself and failed to react—you must not believe the Leshohn-Horah as long as that person fails to admit the wrong he was supposed to have done. Leshohn-Horah must not be believed if uttered; Even by one of your close relatives. . .Even by someone who is. . . trustworthy.
11. He who speaks Leshohn-Horah will find it difficult to make amends when he eventually decides to repent: Since he does not consider the sin to be that serious. . . Since he got used to Leshohn-Horah and is less able to restrain himself. . Because he is unable to cancel the effects of his Leshohn-Horah, since he would have to ask each of the vilified persons for forgiveness and it is very likely that: He does not remember—each person he slandered; He does not recall what he said—in each individual case; He is embarrassed to let people know—that he vilified them; He does not remember—to whom he related the Leshohn-Horah; He cannot erase the negative impression—which his words have made on the listeners; He cannot contact some listeners (he may remember). . . Since repentance is thus impossible—in the sense of the verse: “What has become distorted cannot be straightened out.” (Kohelet 1:15)
C. WHAT IS REKHILUT?
1. A subdivision of lashon ha-ra is tattling, telling others negative comments people have made about them.
2. Do not go about as a talebearer among your people.- Leviticus 19:16
3. In order for a community to succeed in (such) cultural change, it is useful for people to identify the desire and enjoyment element in rekhilut. It is hard to give up something without admitting that it has a lot to offer. Then one needs to identify the actual and potential pain and harm caused in order to make it worth foregoing the pleasure. The tool of awareness is critical to this process of teshuva on both an individual and a communal level.- Rabbi Sheila Peltz Weinberg
4. Casting aspersions on an ethnic, racial or religious group or on an organization or social group is also a form of rekhilut.- Rabbi David Teutsch
5. Divorce is a common situation hospitable to rekhilut. . . It is challenging to be a supportive friend and not play into this pattern.- Rabbi Sheila Peltz Weinberg
D. WHAT IS MOTZI SHEM RA?
1. The most grievous violation of ethical speech is the spreading of malicious falsehoods, what Jewish law calls motzi shem ra, “giving another a bad name.”
2. Take heed and know that a person who agrees with a slanderous statement when they hear it is as bad as the one who says it, for everyone will say, ‘That person listened to what has been said and agreed with it, and that shows that it must be true.’ Even if the hearer only turns to listen to the gossip and gives the impression of believing it to be true, they spread the evil, bring disgrace on their neighbor, and encourage slanderers to carry their evil reports to all people.- Jonah ben Avraham Gerondi, Shaarei Teshuva, section 3
3. There are 3 crowns- the crown of Torah, the crown of priesthood and the crown of royalty. And the crown of a good name exceeds them all.- Pirke Avot 4:17
4. You should refrain from speaking derogatorily of any man, and even of any creature or animal.- Rabbi Moshe Cordovero
E. WHEN IS “GOSSIP” APPROPRIATE?
1. The most obvious instance in which we are permitted to solicit “lashon hara for a purpose” is when we are in practical need of such information. Jewish law defines this as applying in the following situations: If we are planning to:
• enter into a business relationship with another
• hire an employee
• go to work for someone
• become involved, or if we are involved, in a romantic relationship with someone
2. Know that incidents. . . such as those involving theft, robbery, damage, the causing of pain, shaming and wronging with words, may be revealed to others. Even a solitary observer should relate what he has seen, so as to assist the one who has been wronged.- Jonah ben Avraham Gerondi, Shaarei Teshuva, 3:221
3. On Revealing Flaws in a Prospective Marriage Partner- First, he must be absolutely certain that the information is true. Second, the flaw must be of very great significance. Third, his intentions in revealing the information must be entirely noble and not vengeful in any way. Fourth, there must be a reasonable chance that the information will affect the person receiving the news. If it is most likely that the person will ignore the news then one may not reveal the information. Fifth, one may not exaggerate the information. Sixth, there must not be an alternative way of achieving the desired goal without revealing the sensitive information.- Chofetz Chayim, Hilkhot Rekhilut, Chapter Six
4. You are permitted to criticize someone who has slandered you. . .a robber, crook, swindler, bully, hypocrite. . . It is permitted to tell Leshohn-Horah about those troublemakers who started a controversy. . . in order to forestall fraud. . . If someone threatens that when he meets so-and-so he will insult him or cause him some other damage. . . In order to forestall possible damage in the future. . . In order to forestall problems arising in business partnerships, etc. . . In order to prevent Shidookhin problems. . . To a prospective father-in-law (or mother-in-law) that you have heard that the proposed son-in-law has an illness (or problematic views) which are not self-evident.
F. PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT
1. A person who publicly shames their neighbor is like someone who has shed blood. To which Rabbi Nakhman answered, ‘You have spoken well. I have seen that when someone is shamed, the color leaves their face and they become pale.’ Abbaye asked Rabbi Dimi, ‘What do people in Palestine most carefully try to avoid?’ He answered, ‘Putting others to shame.’ Three categories of people are condemned to Gehinnom for eternity. . . one who calls their neighbor by a degrading nickname, even if the other is accustomed to that name. . . It would be better for a person to throw themselves into a fiery furnace than publicly put their neighbor to shame.- Baba Metzia 58b-59a
2. The gossip stands in Syria and kills in Rome.- Peah 1:1
3. It once happened that while Rabbi was giving a lecture, he smelled garlic in the room. ‘The person who has eaten garlic must leave,’ he announced. Rabbi Khiya stood up and left, and then all the other scholars followed him out. In the morning, Rabbi Shimon, the son of Rabbi, met Rabbi Khiya and said, ‘Was it you who caused that annoying odor?’ ‘Heaven forbid,’ said Rabbi Khiya.- Sanhedrin 11a
4. If a person has repented it is forbidden to say to them- ‘Remember your early deeds.’- Baba Metzia 58b
5. An ancient Jewish teaching observes: It would be better for a person not to have been born at all than to experience these seven things:. . . and publicly shaming (another person).
6. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak- Rabbi Harold Kushner
7. Silence is a fence to wisdom.- Pirke Avot 3:17
8. At least a pillow contains a finite number of feathers. An email, on the other hand, can be forwarded ad infinitum.- Rabbi Michael Fessler
9. In order to avoid embarrassing someone even unintentionally, don’t raise your voice when talking to him. . . Don’t raise a subject which may embarrass him. . . Don’t boast about your children. . . Don’t visit someone unannounced.
10. Let the honor of another be as beloved in your eyes as your own.- Pirke Avot 2:15
G. RESPECTING PRIVACY
1. When you make a loan of any sort to your neighbor, you must not enter their house to seize their pledge. You must remain outside, while the person
to whom you made the loan brings the pledge out to you.- Deuteronomy 24:10
2. Cursed is the one who strikes their neighbor in secret.- Deuteronomy 27:24
3. A person should never enter another person’s home without warning. In this regard we can learn good manners from God, who remained outside the Garden of Eden and called to Adam before entering, as it is written, “Adonai Elohem called out to man and said to him, ‘Where are you?’”- Derekh Eretz Rabba, ch. 5
4. Tell no tales about friend or foe; unless silence makes you an accomplice, never betray a person’s secret. Suppose someone has heard you and learned to distrust you, they will seize the first chance to show their hatred. Have you heard a rumor? Let it die with you. Never fear, it will not make you burst. A fool with a secret goes through agony like a woman in childbirth.- The Wisdom of Ben Sira, 19:8-11
5. Rumor had it that a certain disciple of Rabbi Ammi revealed a secret report he had been given in the house of study twenty two years earlier. So Rabbi Ammi expelled him with the accusation: ‘This man reveals secrets!’- Sanhedrin 31a
6. The gains from invading privacy are usually obvious, but some of the largest costs of invading privacy are more subtle. These include not only the short-term strain on relationships and the losses to the person whose privacy has been breached, but the broader erosion of trust, a form of moral and social capital that is critical to sustaining community and building relationships. . . When violating privacy also involves breaching confidentiality, the moral price of doing so increases considerably.- Rabbi David Teutsch
7. The existence of privacy in a world where information is so plentiful depends on our mutual agreement to respect each other’s privacy. Eavesdropping and opening someone else’s mail are flagrant examples of violating privacy rights. Of course, the speaker ought to take modest precautions, such as not speaking of private matters in a public place with a loud voice or while talking on a cell phone.- Rabbi David Teutsch
8. In the world of email, the use of the “bcc” feature (blind copy) violates privacy when it is used to let a third party or parties see an email that the receiver thinks is a completely private communication. However, in the case of an e-mail sent to a large group, one must use the bcc feature in order to preserve the privacy of the names and addresses on the distribution list.- Rabbi Shai Gluskin
H. WHEN AND HOW TO REBUKE
1. You shall not hate your neighbor in your heart. Reprove your neighbor but bear no guilt because of them.- Leviticus 19:17
2. Whoever can stop the members of their household from sinning and doesn’t is held responsible for the sins of the household. If one can stop the members of the city from sinning and doesn’t, one is responsible for the sins of the city. If one can stop the whole world from sinning and doesn’t, one is responsible for the sins of the whole world.- Shabbat 54b
3. Jerusalem was destroyed because its citizens didn’t rebuke one another.- Shabbat 119b
4. How do we know that one who sees their friend do something ugly is obligated to rebuke them? Because it is written, ‘You shall surely rebuke, yes, rebuke your neighbor.(Leviticus 19:17)’- Arakhin 16b
5. Before you criticize someone, ask yourself three questions: 1. How do I feel about offering this criticism? Does it give me pleasure or pain? 2. Does my criticism offer specific ways to change? 3. Are my words nonthreatening and reassuring?
6. Love unaccompanied by criticism is not love.- Bereshit Rabba 54:3
7. Do not rebuke a scoffer for they will hate you; reprove a wise person and they will grow wiser.- Proverbs 9:8
8. Just as a person is commanded to speak up if they will be heeded, so a person is not commanded to speak up if they will not be heeded.- Yevamot 65b
9. A person who rebukes another, whether for offenses against the rebuker themselves, or for sins against God, should administer the rebuke in private, speak to the offender gently and tenderly, and point out that they are speaking only for the wrongdoers good. . . If the wrongdoer accepts the rebuke, well and good. If not, they should be rebuked a second and a third time. And so one is bound to continue the admonition until the sinner assaults the admonisher and says, “I refuse to listen.”- Maimonides, Hilkhot Deot, 6:7
10. The external marks of humility are ‘gentle speech, a low voice, meekness when exasperated and sparing in taking vengeance when one has the power to execute it,’ and the lack of haughtiness when rebuking others.- Bachya ibn Pakuda
11. One who hates admonition does not leave themselves a path toward repentance.- Maimonides, Hilkhot Teshuva, 4:2
12. Judge all people favorably.- Pirke Avot 1:6
I. WHEN AND WHY TO LIE
1. Lying lips are an abomination to the Holy One.- Proverbs 12:22
2. The punishment of a liar is that even when they speak the truth they are not believed.- Sanhedrin 89b
3. One should not promise a child something, and then not give it to them, because as a result the child will learn to lie.- Sukka 46b
4. If you suspect that a statement made by one person about another may cause trouble, don’t repeat it. In the Torah, the eighty-nine-year old Sarah, overhearing an angel of the Lord predicting that she will give birth to a child within the year, laughs to herself and says, ‘Now that I am withered, am I to have enjoyment, with my husband so old?’ In the next verse, God asks Abraham, ‘Why did Sarah laugh, saying, ‘Shall I in truth bear a child, old as I am?’’ (Genesis 18:12-13) Compare Sarah’s words with God’s, and you will notice that the Lord leaves out the words, ‘with my husband so old,’ presumably because these words might hurt or anger Abraham. On the basis of this verse, the Rabbis conclude, ‘Great is peace, seeing that for its sake even God modified the truth’ (Yevamot 65b).
5. It is a mitzva to gladden the bridegroom and bride and to dance before them and to say that she is beautiful and graceful, even if she is not beautiful. . . If a person made a bad purchase in the market you should praise it in their eyes.- Ketubot 16b-17a
6. Rabbi Joshua ben Khananya was served oversalted food at a host’s home. When the hostess noticed that he was not eating, asked, “Why do you not eat?”, he answered, “I just finished eating earlier.”- Eruvin 53b
7. Jewish law permits, or even obligates, us to lie, exaggerate, or otherwise mislead another:
• lying to prevent future harm (for example, when life- either your own or someone else’s- is at stake)
• lying in order to right a past wrong done to you (for example, when dealing with a dishonest or deceptive person or government)
• lying when the effect of telling the truth will cause unnecessary hurt (for example, when people’s feelings are involved, and no advantage, but only pain, will come from speaking the truth)
• trying to create peace or otherwise do good (for example, lying to a poor person to encourage him to accept money he needs)
• lying because a question invades your zone of privacy (for example, a woman who tells unwanted suitors that she is engaged or married)
• lying when exaggerating to make a point, and it is understood that you are exaggerating (“I was so upset, I thought I was going to explode.”)
8. It is permitted to tell a complete lie for the sake of peace.- Chofetz Chayyim, Hilkhot Rekhilut, 1:8
9. Be untruthful to others as you would have others be untruthful to you.- Dr. David Nyberg
GUARD MY TONGUE FROM EVIL AND MY LIPS FROM SPEAKING FALSEHOOD
THE GIFT OF LISTENING FROM HEALING FROM DESPAIR
“Whenever we listen to a suffering soul, we offer a precious gift and in doing so we become a blessing.”
“When a person brings me a story of loss, I listen as if honoring a sacred text. On the pshat level, I listen to learn what happened: the simple events in chronological order, the characters, and the physical realities. Then comes the level of remez, the emotional responses, whether anger, guilt or fear, that require a caring presence for the telling of the story. At the drash level the story is analyzed intellectually for the issues that can be addressed, perhaps theologically or with the aid of a physician or a fellow survivor. And for sod, the mystical level, understanding must be intuitive, the listener must uncover the unspoken.”- p. 37
“Active listening can offer compassion by taking in a story without passing judgment, by responding to the unspoken questions, and by addressing the questions of identity and purpose. And more, Buber recognized that we find the divine not in the moment of the ecstatic experience alone but in the simple, daily task of being fully present with others and thereby with God.”- p. 122
“When I listen, I try to do so with attentiveness to the unspoken, and with a focus on honoring the gifts within the suffering soul. I am aware of the presence of divine sparks in each person, sparks that yearn to return to the Creator, to the source of goodness.”- p. 114
“When we become listeners, we become aware of the suffering that has been quietly hiding all around us. To listen well is to be open to the suffering of the speaker, without offering judgments or solutions. When we listen actively, we offer humility and compassion, the blessings of despair.”- p. 46
“To listen carefully is a privilege that may take a toll on the listener. To listen is to hear a story without giving in to the urge to solve the crisis, to give advice, to challenge false assumptions, or to fix the brokenness. Listening requires offering the gifts of time, patience, and kindness.”
“To listen to another person is to bring comfort through connection. . . In listening to a soul in pain, sometimes all we can offer is mindful listening. And in that act of listening, we validate that the soul is worthy of time and attention, that the burdens that cause pain are real and heavy, and that good continues to exist in a broken world. Our very presence as caring listeners attests to the kindness that exists in an imperfect but beautiful world.”- pp. 122-123
Afghanistan Photos
Posted a sample of photos in the gallery.
Lots more on my Facebook page too.
Lots more on my Facebook page too.
Jan. 7- Mission Complete
Jan. 8- Well, it took the
combined forces of being a New Yorker and a Colonel to get me out of
the CRC, but I did it! After Tuesday's debacle, I had NO patience for
"the process". I had made a plane reservation for 6:58 p.m. and a
shuttle reservation for 2:15, and I announced to the cadre that they
needed to make sure I got there on time. There was the additional
complication of waiting for the orders, which also took a bit of
pushing on my part.
On Tues. at lunch I was sitting with one of the doctors- a cigar buddy- and another lady at the table asked me, "Are you a boss?" I really wasn't sure where she was going with it, but the doctor quickly replied, "She sure acts like one." Oh well- I'm basically unapologetic. I tried to be respectful but insistent, and, by the way, if you want something done- call me!
The inefficiency continued with all of us being shlepped back to medical to have our PPD tests read, even though half of us hadn't needed PPD tests. Of course they weren't ready for us and it was hard to sort out who needed to be there and who didn't. I respectfully suggested to the NCO in charge that those of us who didn't need the PPD simply wait on the bus, so that there were fewer bodies milling around. "Oh no," he said, "we can't divide people up." The staff person looked at my paperwork and commented, "I don't know why they brought you here- you don't need to be here."
The next thing they did was take some of us to dental (where we waited at least half an hour for someone to staff the reception desk, because, of course, we couldn't do this on Tues. as we can only come in our assigned time slot when they have us scheduled), and some of us to finance. Silly me- I couldn't help but wondering why they just didn't drop those who didn't need the PPD reads at dental to begin with. . . . .
Finance was the last station in the a.m.- couldn't complete that as I didn't have the orders, but we played "as if" and the orders were eventually faxed to him.
Got my bags staged, turned in linen and signed out of the room, quick lunch, then on to the LAST stop- 1300- processing of final paperwork. (Seems I've earned two new awards- the Afghanistan Campaign Medal with one Campaign Ribbon, and the NATO Medal- per my all-important DD 214- Discharge from Active Duty.) That will be a project for weeks from now, to see what those look like and reorganize the ribbons on my uniform.
We sat down in the briefing room and I watched the clock ticking as I laboriously pulled out various forms. At 1315 I stood up and walked out- asked if I could just get to the actual processing station. (Sometimes you just HAVE to pull rank- I hate to do it but it's good to have it when you need it and, frankly, I don't think I would volunteer to do this if I were NOT a Colonel).
Long story short- I made the van at 2:17, got to the airport, and arrived home by 10:00 p.m. It was awesome to see Sarah and David and I have surprisingly made my peace with the chaos in my home and the fact that I can't just work straight through until every last piece of clothing, paperwork and equipment has found its place. I'm at Chai Thurs. and Fri., Fountain Hills Fri. night, then back to Moffett Field Sat. a.m. through Mon. eve.
I came home weary and with an upset stomach, and I will just have to take it one step at a time. Good lesson for me.
I called SFC Cohen from the airport to let him know that he was missing a good line. He said he thinks he should receive an "Expert" badge in moving bags and waiting in line. . . . me too!
In the final analysis- great mission, challenging logistics and significant physical impact. Would I do it again- yes- still planning for April 2010.
Thanks for caring.
Special thanks to Frannie for posting these every day- Fran, I'll take care of this one! You are the best and I really appreciate and love you!
Out here- B.
On Tues. at lunch I was sitting with one of the doctors- a cigar buddy- and another lady at the table asked me, "Are you a boss?" I really wasn't sure where she was going with it, but the doctor quickly replied, "She sure acts like one." Oh well- I'm basically unapologetic. I tried to be respectful but insistent, and, by the way, if you want something done- call me!
The inefficiency continued with all of us being shlepped back to medical to have our PPD tests read, even though half of us hadn't needed PPD tests. Of course they weren't ready for us and it was hard to sort out who needed to be there and who didn't. I respectfully suggested to the NCO in charge that those of us who didn't need the PPD simply wait on the bus, so that there were fewer bodies milling around. "Oh no," he said, "we can't divide people up." The staff person looked at my paperwork and commented, "I don't know why they brought you here- you don't need to be here."
The next thing they did was take some of us to dental (where we waited at least half an hour for someone to staff the reception desk, because, of course, we couldn't do this on Tues. as we can only come in our assigned time slot when they have us scheduled), and some of us to finance. Silly me- I couldn't help but wondering why they just didn't drop those who didn't need the PPD reads at dental to begin with. . . . .
Finance was the last station in the a.m.- couldn't complete that as I didn't have the orders, but we played "as if" and the orders were eventually faxed to him.
Got my bags staged, turned in linen and signed out of the room, quick lunch, then on to the LAST stop- 1300- processing of final paperwork. (Seems I've earned two new awards- the Afghanistan Campaign Medal with one Campaign Ribbon, and the NATO Medal- per my all-important DD 214- Discharge from Active Duty.) That will be a project for weeks from now, to see what those look like and reorganize the ribbons on my uniform.
We sat down in the briefing room and I watched the clock ticking as I laboriously pulled out various forms. At 1315 I stood up and walked out- asked if I could just get to the actual processing station. (Sometimes you just HAVE to pull rank- I hate to do it but it's good to have it when you need it and, frankly, I don't think I would volunteer to do this if I were NOT a Colonel).
Long story short- I made the van at 2:17, got to the airport, and arrived home by 10:00 p.m. It was awesome to see Sarah and David and I have surprisingly made my peace with the chaos in my home and the fact that I can't just work straight through until every last piece of clothing, paperwork and equipment has found its place. I'm at Chai Thurs. and Fri., Fountain Hills Fri. night, then back to Moffett Field Sat. a.m. through Mon. eve.
I came home weary and with an upset stomach, and I will just have to take it one step at a time. Good lesson for me.
I called SFC Cohen from the airport to let him know that he was missing a good line. He said he thinks he should receive an "Expert" badge in moving bags and waiting in line. . . . me too!
In the final analysis- great mission, challenging logistics and significant physical impact. Would I do it again- yes- still planning for April 2010.
Thanks for caring.
Special thanks to Frannie for posting these every day- Fran, I'll take care of this one! You are the best and I really appreciate and love you!
Out here- B.
Limnot Yamenu Keyn Hoda
"Teach us to number our days"- For someone to whom it is SO important to make every day count, you can imagine my frustration. We had to load busses this a.m. at 0530 to do our medical processing. We were done, FOR THE DAY, at 0800. The only thing standing between me and leaving is:
having the dentist admire my teeth
processing my discharge form and reviewing my SGLI and Emergency Contact data
getting my amended orders
All of that could be done, with efficiency, in less than two hours.
I find it, frankly, criminal, that the time of so many people was wasted in this way.
I have made my own flight arrangements for tomorrow eve. and called a shuttle to the airport.
Dental is in the a.m. and the paperwork is scheduled at 1:00.
I have to be ready for the shuttle at 2:15; I plan to pull rank and put myself at the front of the paperwork line and ask for an individual ride back to the CRC site to catch the shuttle. Flight leaves at 6:58; my backup is the last flight out, departing at 9:15 tomorrow night.
If the orders don't come through I'll need suicide counseling.
Funny moment of the day- waiting for a ride back after medical, standing with 3 guys. One pulls out a box of cereal from his side pocket, and the other teases him- you're back in the U.S. where food is available, you don't have to be storing it anymore! Then me and the 4th guy each pulled apples out of our pockets!
having the dentist admire my teeth
processing my discharge form and reviewing my SGLI and Emergency Contact data
getting my amended orders
All of that could be done, with efficiency, in less than two hours.
I find it, frankly, criminal, that the time of so many people was wasted in this way.
I have made my own flight arrangements for tomorrow eve. and called a shuttle to the airport.
Dental is in the a.m. and the paperwork is scheduled at 1:00.
I have to be ready for the shuttle at 2:15; I plan to pull rank and put myself at the front of the paperwork line and ask for an individual ride back to the CRC site to catch the shuttle. Flight leaves at 6:58; my backup is the last flight out, departing at 9:15 tomorrow night.
If the orders don't come through I'll need suicide counseling.
Funny moment of the day- waiting for a ride back after medical, standing with 3 guys. One pulls out a box of cereal from his side pocket, and the other teases him- you're back in the U.S. where food is available, you don't have to be storing it anymore! Then me and the 4th guy each pulled apples out of our pockets!
Jan 5
Well- 40 hours from bag drop to landing- WOW! Not sure what I wrote in my stupor, so hope this isn't redundant. Just a few random observations:
SFC Cohen is gone! He left CRC around noon and headed back to Ft. Dix- his home. I am seeking solace with a group of doctors who have adopted me; looking forward to going OUT to dinner with them tonight!
When we went through customs in Kuwait, we had to dump the contents of every single bag we had and go over it with a Navy Customs person. Among the interesting stories- last week an officer was found with pieces of a grenade stashed at the bottom of his Camelback. Now they understand that some random bullets may be rattling around, but they don't look kindly on people deliberately trying to smuggle contraband. He got a one-way ticket back to theatre to explain this to his boss. The Sergeant Major in our group lost a Cuban cigar, despite swearing he would smoke it during what turned out to be 19 1/2 hours of waiting!!!
On previous deployments I have heard of C-4 explosive material being placed in silly putty containers, and bullets extracted from bars of soap.
While we were waiting, I was talking with a former federal law enforcement agent who now does contract counter-terrorism contract work. He mentioned that there was not a night that he didn't hear some young soldier on the phone crying over relationship issues back home- the casualties of war. His eyes teared up, this big, tough dude, as he told me of his own wife who left their 23 year marriage after he was gone only 3 months.
File this under amazing coincidences- on the bus ride to the airport, I sat with the only other female COL on our flight. We were chatting about the good old days and the old women's uniforms, and discovered that we were both commissioned on the exact same date- same day, month and year!!!!
When we arrived, we had some welcome home stuff and then went directly to CIF- Central Issuing Facility, to turn in all the equipment that was issued to us and they wanted back. SFC Cohen and I had stashed stuff in the chaplain's office, so we got a ride back to reclaim it. This allowed me to get the bags while he picked up some beer from our little shoppette, which would have been closed by the time we finished.
They really stress NOT to leave stuff, as the plan is to go directly to CIF from the plane. This is roundly ignored. There were people going to UPS, having friends bring stuff, going to off site storage facilities and other offices. The only wonder (not really) is that they haven't figured out a system of NOT issuing all this stuff, so that everyone doesn't NEED a plan of where to hide it and not have to shlep it all around the theatre. The best story we heard- someone wrapped a duffle bag with a trash bag, walked 1/4 mile into the woods, and chained it to a tree!
By 9:00 p.m. we were in line for rooms- yes- another line. Believe it or not, the Staff Duty Officer said the following to me, "We're very crowded- I have a room for you but it may not be satisfactory. If it's not, come back and I'll change it." I politely replied, "I am a tired, cranky O-6- could we just skip to the next step where you give me a satisfactory room now?" I have a single!!!!
The insanity continued- come in at 0530 for a PPD (T
test. Well, I and the doctors have paperwork proving we don't need a test. I took it all the way up the chain of command and the answer came back- you still have to be there. (I just met with the Battalion Commander to pass along a whole list of issues from myself and the rest of the group.) To add insult to injury, at 0530 we got an apology- come back at 0615. What makes this completely lunatic is that we have 0530 again tomorrow a.m. for MEDICAL.
One of the docs said- "It's a good thing I don't have bullets." He's the same one who demonstrated during the Traumatic Brain Injury brief by banging his head against the table.
I made a flight reservation for Wed. eve.; David will have to cover my adult BBM class. Will work in Phx. Thurs. and Fri., get through drill Sat./Sun./Mon., then really looking forward to what passes for normalcy in my life!
SFC Cohen is gone! He left CRC around noon and headed back to Ft. Dix- his home. I am seeking solace with a group of doctors who have adopted me; looking forward to going OUT to dinner with them tonight!
When we went through customs in Kuwait, we had to dump the contents of every single bag we had and go over it with a Navy Customs person. Among the interesting stories- last week an officer was found with pieces of a grenade stashed at the bottom of his Camelback. Now they understand that some random bullets may be rattling around, but they don't look kindly on people deliberately trying to smuggle contraband. He got a one-way ticket back to theatre to explain this to his boss. The Sergeant Major in our group lost a Cuban cigar, despite swearing he would smoke it during what turned out to be 19 1/2 hours of waiting!!!
On previous deployments I have heard of C-4 explosive material being placed in silly putty containers, and bullets extracted from bars of soap.
While we were waiting, I was talking with a former federal law enforcement agent who now does contract counter-terrorism contract work. He mentioned that there was not a night that he didn't hear some young soldier on the phone crying over relationship issues back home- the casualties of war. His eyes teared up, this big, tough dude, as he told me of his own wife who left their 23 year marriage after he was gone only 3 months.
File this under amazing coincidences- on the bus ride to the airport, I sat with the only other female COL on our flight. We were chatting about the good old days and the old women's uniforms, and discovered that we were both commissioned on the exact same date- same day, month and year!!!!
When we arrived, we had some welcome home stuff and then went directly to CIF- Central Issuing Facility, to turn in all the equipment that was issued to us and they wanted back. SFC Cohen and I had stashed stuff in the chaplain's office, so we got a ride back to reclaim it. This allowed me to get the bags while he picked up some beer from our little shoppette, which would have been closed by the time we finished.
They really stress NOT to leave stuff, as the plan is to go directly to CIF from the plane. This is roundly ignored. There were people going to UPS, having friends bring stuff, going to off site storage facilities and other offices. The only wonder (not really) is that they haven't figured out a system of NOT issuing all this stuff, so that everyone doesn't NEED a plan of where to hide it and not have to shlep it all around the theatre. The best story we heard- someone wrapped a duffle bag with a trash bag, walked 1/4 mile into the woods, and chained it to a tree!
By 9:00 p.m. we were in line for rooms- yes- another line. Believe it or not, the Staff Duty Officer said the following to me, "We're very crowded- I have a room for you but it may not be satisfactory. If it's not, come back and I'll change it." I politely replied, "I am a tired, cranky O-6- could we just skip to the next step where you give me a satisfactory room now?" I have a single!!!!
The insanity continued- come in at 0530 for a PPD (T
test. Well, I and the doctors have paperwork proving we don't need a test. I took it all the way up the chain of command and the answer came back- you still have to be there. (I just met with the Battalion Commander to pass along a whole list of issues from myself and the rest of the group.) To add insult to injury, at 0530 we got an apology- come back at 0615. What makes this completely lunatic is that we have 0530 again tomorrow a.m. for MEDICAL. One of the docs said- "It's a good thing I don't have bullets." He's the same one who demonstrated during the Traumatic Brain Injury brief by banging his head against the table.
I made a flight reservation for Wed. eve.; David will have to cover my adult BBM class. Will work in Phx. Thurs. and Fri., get through drill Sat./Sun./Mon., then really looking forward to what passes for normalcy in my life!
Jan 4
Then we sat outside the plane while it was refueled. The flight attendants had to call their union and unanimously agree to waive their rest period, or we would have had to wait longer.
More later- SFC Cohen's family just showed up for a brief visit!
Jan 2
Orders will have to be amended, appointments will have to be rescheduled, but, with any luck, I should be in Phoenix by late Wed.
Shabbat Shalom.
Jan 1 follow up
A correction to my previous email:
The biggest heartache, of course is that I am missing precious moments with Sarah who is home on winter break!
The biggest heartache, of course is that I am missing precious moments with Sarah who is home on winter break!
Jan 1
The environment adds to the grim-ness- we are having a major wind/sand storm so the visibility is poor and there's a cold wind blowing.
Do I sound like I'm whining? SFC Cohen and I were smoking cigars and the SGT who joined us suggested that we should be happy no one was shooting at us. I guess he's right. He then regaled us with his war stories. Said someone asked him just yesterday if he had ever killed anyone and he said yes. She asked if he felt anything- he said- sometimes yes, sometimes no.
There was a contract spy guy (I'm not kidding) sitting with us- his response was- the recoil of the gun? (As in, that's what he feels!) So this dude claims that in an attempt to fire a warning shot at a 14 year old who was poised to launch an RPG into his FOB in Afghanistan (one I've visited, BTW), the bullet richocheted and not only shot and killed the boy, but his step mom who was standing behind him. He was cleared in the subsequent investigation. Secret Agent Man was impressed with his conservation of ammunition.
This is clearly another universe.
I gave it up today and checked out some linen, made my bed and SFC Cohen did an awesome job of packing up my sleeping bag, body armor and helmet, and, a bunch of clothes, into one duffle bag. I've been a bit worried about getting all my stuff into the 4 authorized bags, and this did much to quell my anxiety. The above mentioned cigar was in celebration of that success. I actually asked my tent-mates if they minded if he came in to work, since it made now sense to work on this project in the blowing dust. They were okay with it- there's a no male in female tents rule, and vice versa, obviously.
I'm hoping to get confirmation that I won't make the last R&R flight on Fri. so that I can plan for Fri. night services. I'm going to do one in our area and one on the Air Force side of the base.
Another heartache- When I get back, I'm stuck with my regular Army drill ("Battle Assembly") 10-12 Jan. I would just tell them to stuff it, but we're doing the groundbreaking for our new building and I am to offer the invocation, and it's a pretty big deal. I also haven't been to drill since Oct.
In the time since we left Ali and since we've been back, they cleaned up all the graffitti in the restrooms. Now it's coming back, and here are a few thoughts that I think capture the essence of the experience for most participants:
"I miss my kids!
""There's nothing like a deployment that will end a marriage."
"F**k this deployment"- underneath- "There's nothing like getting paid to eat and sleep all day. Are you serious?"
Dec 31
Dec. 31- Another fun day in Kuwait. Every moment is an interesting educational
experience, both learning and teaching. I was barely out of my tent, when a
young LT stopped to question me about the disconnect between my hat and my rank.
(As I indicated, this is an ongoing source of confusion for others and amusement
to me.) I told him that I was a Jewish chaplain, and he showed me the bookmark
he was studying as a sort of morning devotion as he walked. It was from a
Christian religious supplies shop, and had a number of names of God
transliterated from the Hebrew and with references in the Tanakh. I was able to
share a bit of insight about each one.
Got into the DFAC, and saw a sailor with a kippa- turns out he's the lay leader
at Ali Al Salem, so I had a conversation with him about the challenges he faces-
mostly, insufficient participation in his services. If we're still here Friday
night, we'll certainly attend. I hope not to be!
After breakfast we boarded the bus to Camp Arifjan once again, and got here in
time for lunch and to change into civilian clothes. We traveled with the local
chaplain assistant, the Area Support Group Chaplain, and the Army (COL) Priest
into Kuwait City, where we brought some humanitarian supplies, especially rice,
to the local Protestant Church. We saw, and photographed, the Catholic
Cathedral and the Grand Mosque, albeit from a moving vehicle. It was
interesting to see the extravagant Kuwaiti homes the oil money buys, and the
men's and women's attire in the streets.
By the way, we were the only two people on this bus this morning- I don't know
about SFC Cohen, but I felt very important having two armed guards accompanying
us and another escort vehicle with two more "shooters."
The Protestant community has one compound where they hold a broad variety of
services. They are not in need of the aid provided. There are many TCN's- Third Country Nationals,
who work in Kuwait. They are sometimes abused, and flee to places they feel may
be safe. Those places can't always sustain them, so we give aid to the
churches which gets it to those who are caring for these individuals
A special treat was a stop at a local
restaurant for some very good Turkish coffee and dinner to go.
Camp Arifjan is divided into various areas, which they call "zones", and we got
back in time to get to "Zone Six" to check out the shops there. (Or so we
thought.) Being the small world that it is, we not only ran into the Rabbi
there, looking for a gift for his wife, but the female Jewish COL we had met
yesterday. She rode the shuttle back to Zone One with us, we loaded up our
stuff, and went to wait for the 1700 bus, thinking it would be nice to be home a
bit earlier. (My roommates (I guess I should say tentmates) were worried about
me last night!- I had never even met them but they saw all my stuff there and no
me.)
Anyway, at about 1645 SFC Cohen decided to double-check the bus schedule, and,
lo and behold, the bus was actually at 1600- the next one is not till 2100.
Oops- another late night. Bottom line is that we can do the same things here-
check email, eat, make phone calls, smoke cigars, as we can there. I just feel
bad because my choices are either to turn on the overhead light when I get back
to the tent and potentially wake whoever is in there, or try to grope my way
with an inadequate flashlight.
I think I'll go pick up some more AAA batteries. . .