The day after my daughter's bat mitzvah celebration, we went to Target so that she could enjoy a reward for her many months of preparation. She selected two items to buy with her gift card: a Barbie doll and a lipstick.

To me, these choices were emblematic of the transition that bat mitzvah represents - one foot in childhood and another stepping in to young adulthood. Bar/bat mitzvah is traditionally understood as the time when we are old enough to know the difference between right and wrong, and have the strength of character to choose the good. Parents recite a blessing giving thanks for this moment of seeing their children reach the age of responsibility. And this is something that we stress to students: the awesome responsibility that they assume for their future actions and for the choices that will enable them to become the kind of people that they want to be.

Writing thank you notes is an important part of the bar/bat mitzvah process. More important, however, is acknowledging the many things for which our children are grateful - parents who care about them enough to encourage their religious education and to remind them of the values that Judaism represents; family and community who celebrate their growth and are available as resources in their ongoing journey. No performance anxiety; rather, as they stand on the bimah, we invite them to recognize how many people love and support them in their lives.

B'nai mitzvah understand that part of the privilege of community means giving something back. This giving takes the form of words of Torah, as they become teachers and worship leaders for the congregation. Together with their parents, we study the weekly parsha and mine it for meaning that they can transmit on that special day. At Temple Chai, students also undertake a mitzvah project, designed to reinforce their role as participants in tikkun olam, repair of our broken world.

Our students form b'nai mitzvah clubs with others whose events surround theirs. They gather on Tuesday evenings to explore the meaning of the prayers and share their interpretations and understandings. On Shabbat, they explore the variety of services offered together as a group, attending Shacharit services, Kabbalat Shabbat and bar/bat mitzvahs. Often, families are included for Shabbat dinners, and students study Torah with clergy and layleaders.

It is always a profound moment to stand before the open ark with the bar or bat mitzvah for a moment of private blessings. I remind them that, wherever life may lead them, that they have family, rabbis and a Jewish community for support and guidance. I remind them of the decisions that lie ahead which will determine their character, and urge them to make choices that will allow them to always feel as proud of themselves as they do at that moment.

I sat with a bar mitzvah family last week, and Mom mentioned that her son has been asking for an alarm clock: He wants to be able to get up and make breakfast on his own, and not be reliant on her. She was struggling with this request, and relatively unwilling to let go. Well, Mom, the bar mitzvah is an alarm clock for you too: Wake up - your son is growing up and becoming more independent. May you be blessed with health and strength to continue to raise him well, and, also, to begin to see him as an independent and responsible young man.

from Greater Phoenix Jewish News, Feb. 26, 2010