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Bar/Bat Mitzva

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 15:52:00 GMT

The day after my daughter's bat mitzvah celebration, we went to Target so that she could enjoy a reward for her many months of preparation. She selected two items to buy with her gift card: a Barbie doll and a lipstick.

To me, these choices were emblematic of the transition that bat mitzvah represents - one foot in childhood and another stepping in to young adulthood. Bar/bat mitzvah is traditionally understood as the time when we are old enough to know the difference between right and wrong, and have the strength of character to choose the good. Parents recite a blessing giving thanks for this moment of seeing their children reach the age of responsibility. And this is something that we stress to students: the awesome responsibility that they assume for their future actions and for the choices that will enable them to become the kind of people that they want to be.

Writing thank you notes is an important part of the bar/bat mitzvah process. More important, however, is acknowledging the many things for which our children are grateful - parents who care about them enough to encourage their religious education and to remind them of the values that Judaism represents; family and community who celebrate their growth and are available as resources in their ongoing journey. No performance anxiety; rather, as they stand on the bimah, we invite them to recognize how many people love and support them in their lives.

B'nai mitzvah understand that part of the privilege of community means giving something back. This giving takes the form of words of Torah, as they become teachers and worship leaders for the congregation. Together with their parents, we study the weekly parsha and mine it for meaning that they can transmit on that special day. At Temple Chai, students also undertake a mitzvah project, designed to reinforce their role as participants in tikkun olam, repair of our broken world.

Our students form b'nai mitzvah clubs with others whose events surround theirs. They gather on Tuesday evenings to explore the meaning of the prayers and share their interpretations and understandings. On Shabbat, they explore the variety of services offered together as a group, attending Shacharit services, Kabbalat Shabbat and bar/bat mitzvahs. Often, families are included for Shabbat dinners, and students study Torah with clergy and layleaders.

It is always a profound moment to stand before the open ark with the bar or bat mitzvah for a moment of private blessings. I remind them that, wherever life may lead them, that they have family, rabbis and a Jewish community for support and guidance. I remind them of the decisions that lie ahead which will determine their character, and urge them to make choices that will allow them to always feel as proud of themselves as they do at that moment.

I sat with a bar mitzvah family last week, and Mom mentioned that her son has been asking for an alarm clock: He wants to be able to get up and make breakfast on his own, and not be reliant on her. She was struggling with this request, and relatively unwilling to let go. Well, Mom, the bar mitzvah is an alarm clock for you too: Wake up - your son is growing up and becoming more independent. May you be blessed with health and strength to continue to raise him well, and, also, to begin to see him as an independent and responsible young man.

from Greater Phoenix Jewish News, Feb. 26, 2010

Veterans Day Message to Temple Chai Religious School Faculty

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 02:35:00 GMT

As American Jews, we pause at this Veteran’s Day to honor the country which has truly been the land of opportunity for our people, and we take a moment to appreciate those who are and have been defenders of our freedom. We stand in awe every day of their sacrifice and pray for them and their families. We who are blessed to have been raised in freedom must never, ever take that gift for granted. When she returned from twenty-eight days of living under a military dictatorship, Diana Sowards had a renewed appreciation of her blessing. She writes that, “Freedom is. . . not having to report to the police that you have a houseguest overnight;” Freedom is. . . studying what you are interested in at the university and not what the Education Board orders you to major in; Freedom is. . . traveling anywhere you want without asking permission from four different governmental agencies; Freedom is. . . not hearing a friend has disappeared and is thought to be held by the police but no one knows for sure.” The list continues, but how many are the blessings of freedom and how tragic that so many have been called to give their lives to defend them.

The struggle within ourselves is the ultimate battlefront, and the passion of the soldier for his or her cause is the same passion we must bring to the fight for good against evil in ourselves, in our communities and in our world. Our character is formed by the small daily decisions of right over wrong, and it is at these moments that we build the foundation of our future actions. Each of us is responsible for our portion of tikkun olam, repair of our broken world. This is ultimately what we strive to transmit to our students.

War always has been and will continue to be a necessary evil, until that blessed day when peace prevails, and we can truly beat our swords into plowshares and our spears into pruning hooks. Bernard Katz, a B-17 bomber co-pilot in Italy during WWII, describes his motivation to risk his life in a moving essay entitled, “Why I Fight; A Serviceman’s Story.” “I fight”, he challenges us, “because it is an obligation, because free people must fight to remain free, because when the freedom of one nation or one person is taken away, the rights of all nations and all people are threatened; because--through our elected representative--I had the choice; to fight or not to fight . . . I fight in the fervent hope that those who follow me will not have to fight again, but in the knowledge that if they have to, they will not be found wanting in the crisis.”

Our democratic way of life carries with it an awesome sense of responsibility. On this day, when we pay tribute to those who defend these United States of America, we pray that our country may continue to be a beacon around the world to all those who yearn for “freedom and justice for all.” As we celebrate Veteran’s Day this year, we pray that government of the people, by the people and for the people never cease from this earth.

Rosh HaShana, Letting Go and Forgiveness

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 04:21:00 GMT

In traditional congregations it is customary to don a shroud for services on Yom Kippur. To the best of my knowledge, Judaism is the only religion in which we rehearse our own death in this graphic way. Imagine coming to synagogue and seeing your friends and loved ones dressed in their burial garments. We are reminded of the transience of our lives and of our fundamental mortality. None of us knows the length of days with which we may be blessed. As we pray the words of Unetane Tokef, “Who by fire? Who by water? Who shall wander and who shall find rest?”, we appreciate the blessing of life and renew our commitment to fill our days with meaning. of ultimate and enduring importance.

Who shall live and who shall die? We look around the room and notice the absence of those who are gone. Miv’keetzo u’mi lo v’keetzo- some of them at the end of a long and full life,and some much, much too soon. On this day, the book of our lives is opened,and we note that all is recorded- the highest moments of selflessness and love, and the moments of which we are ashamed- all written in our own hand and irrevocably part of who we are.

This is the day on which we finally take responsibility, this is the day
when the bill becomes due. We declare the holiness of this day- kedushat
hayom- because it is norah v’ayom- awesome and terrible. The prayer reminds us that we each pass before God’s throne one by one, each of us accountable for our choices, each of us with our moment in the spotlight- our deepest secrets revealed. Unetane tokef suggests that God writes our fate on this day. As we join together in this prayer, however, we reflect on the fact that it is we who must, in the final analysis determine, which parts of ourselves serve the person we are becoming- which parts shall live and which we choose to leave behind as we move forward into the year 5770.

When we reflect on the fleeting nature of our existence, we think about the relationships which have become torn in the year that is drawing to a close, and we confront the reality that we do not have unlimited time in which to repair them. With the Days of Awe upon us, we focus our attention on the search for forgiveness and healing. We have so much pain- the broken promises, the acts of betrayal, the ruptures and heartaches that come with the territory of intimate relationships. All of us have unhealed emotional scar tissue that keeps our hearts closed and armored against repeated injuries. We have all been treated unfairly by employers or teachers, we have all experienced the great hurt that family members inflict on each other, we know all too well the anguish caused by gossip, by public humiliation, the pain when something we hold dear was ridiculed; not one of us escapes being hurt by others.

Sometimes the healthiest thing is to acknowledge that a relationship is severed and that it is best to let go. When this occurs, we struggle to let go in a way that does NOT require us to continue to carry anger. If there is hope for reconciliation, now is the time to reach out. Our goal is to enter the High Holidays asking God for forgiveness, knowing that we have sought to create peace in all of our relationships.

We seek to forgive ourselves, to forgive each other, to forgive God and to forgive life itself for being full of disappointment. According to the Kabbalistic tradition, the world was created through a process of shattered vessels. The world was broken from its inception, we all become broken as we make our journey through life, and somehow we are responsible to work to heal the broken-ness within and without. With Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur upon us, may we be blessed with the emotional and spiritual resources to take on this challenge.

Compassionate Communication

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 23:48:00 GMT

“Who is the person who desires life? Who loves days filled with good? Guard your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Turn from evil and do good. Seek peace and pursue it.”- Psalm 34:13-14

We include this verse in our prayers to remind ourselves of the fundamental importance of watching our words as the foundation of a life of goodness. We bless our lives and those of others when we use speech to uplift and not to destroy. Peace in the world begins with peace in our personal relationships. We read in Pirke Avot- “Be of the disciples of Aaron, loving peace and pursuing peace.” (1:12) May we be blessed to use language as a vehicle towards the creation of harmony.

Rav Amram says, ‘There are three sins which no one escapes every day. . . lashon ha-ra.’ Lashon ha-ra! Rather- the dust of lashon ha-ra.- Baba Batra 165b

We are all familiar with the notion of “lashon ha-ra”, evil, debilitating, hurtful speech. But what is the “dust” of lashon ha-ra? This concept refers to all the non-verbal means that we use to convey negativity towards others. Let us resolve to ensure that not only are our words kind, but that we do not undermine their sweetness by body language that negates our message.

3. There are 3 crowns- the crown of Torah, the crown of priesthood and the crown of royalty. And the crown of a good name exceeds them all.- Pirke Avot 4:17

The crown of a good name refers to our ultimate legacy- the example of our lives that stays behind when we leave this earth. We must guard our own reputations as a most precious reputation, and be especially sensitive to that of others. Once impugned, it can be daunting to regain our own good name, even if we are exonerated from any accusation. When in doubt, it is best that we say nothing that might diminish others in the eyes of the world.

4. If a person has repented it is forbidden to say to them- ‘Remember your early deeds.’- Baba Metzia 58b

It is inevitable that each of us, at one time or other, makes choices of which we are embarrassed. The best that we can do is to atone for our wrongdoing, apologize for and offer restitution to those we have harmed, and resolve to avoid the same poor choices in the future. Once people have acknowledged and learned from their mistakes, they carry their own sense of regret. They require no assistance from us to recall the error of their ways.

5. Before you criticize someone, ask yourself three questions: 1. How do I feel about offering this criticism? Does it give me pleasure or pain? 2. Does my criticism offer specific ways to change? 3. Are my words nonthreatening and reassuring“- Rabbi Joseph Telushkin

Offering gentle criticism is a challenging skill, but one that is vital to the maintenance of healthy relationships. Our tradition suggests that we do our loved ones no favor by questioning their behavior within ourselves, but not providing them feedback on our perspective. Rabbi Telushkin’s words offer us a good guide when we think that perhaps the time has come to suggest an alternate path to a friend or family member. We want to ensure that we are always guided by kindness and not by anger or, God forbid, cruelty.

6. Active listening can offer compassion by taking in a story without passing judgment, by responding to the unspoken questions, and by addressing the questions of identity and purpose. And more, Buber recognized that we find the divine not in the moment of the ecstatic experience alone but in the simple, daily task of being fully present with others and thereby with God.”- Rabbi Elie Spitz

Rabbi Spitz’ remarkable teaching suggests that we can experience God’s Presence not only in private moments of worship and reflection, but in the holy act of being present to the Divine image in others. The longing to be heard and understood on a deep level is a fundamental, universal human need. Perhaps this week, we might focus on giving our friends and family the gift of being truly present by listening

Gossip and Other Jewish Religous Teachings on Speech

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 22:55:00 GMT

“Who is the person who desires life? Who loves days filled with good? Guard your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Turn from evil and do good. Seek peace and pursue it.”- Psalm 34:13-14

Mi ha-ish he-khafetz khayyim? Ohev yamim leerot tov. N’tzor l’shonkha mey-ra, u’sefatekha mee-daber mirma. Sur mey-ra v’asey tov, bakesh shalom v’radfayhu.

מִי הָאִישׁ הֶחָפֵץ חַיִּים
                           אהֵב יָמִים לִרְאוֹת טְוֹב:
                           נְצר לְשׁוֹנְךָ מֵרַע
                           וּשְׂפָתֶיךָ מִדַּבֵּר מִרְמָה
                          סוּר מֵרָע וַעֲשֵׂה-טוֹב
                          בַּקֵּשׁ שָׁלוֹם וְרָדְפֵהוּ:

WISDOM FROM OUR TRADITION

A. LIFE AND DEATH ARE IN THE HAND OF THE TONGUE- PROVERBS 18:21

1. Before you speak, you are the master of your words. After you speak, your words become your master.- Orchot Tzaddikim, ch. 21

2. The whole world exists only in the merit of one who restrains themselves during a quarrel.- Khullin 89a

3. Whoever tells tales about another person violates a prohibition, as it is said, ‘Do not go about as a talebearer among your neighbors’ (op. cit.) Who is a tale-bearer? One who carries reports and goes about from one person to another and says, ‘So-and-so said this;’ ‘I have heard such-and-such about so-and-so.’ Even if what the person repeats is true, the talebearer ruins the world.

There is a still more grave offense that comes with this prohibition, namely the evil tongue. This means talking disparagingly of anyone, even though what one says is true; but one who utters falsehood is called a slanderer.

A person with an evil tongue is one who, sitting in company, says, ‘That person did thus and such a thing;’ ‘So-and-so’s ancestors were so-and-so;’ ‘I have heard this about them;’ and then proceeds to talk scandal.

There are modes of speech that may be styled ‘dust of the evil tongue:’ such remarks as ‘Who would have thought that so-and-so would be as they are now;’ or, ‘Be silent about so-and-so. I don’t want to tell what happened;’ and so on. . .

Equally reprehensible is the person who indulges in evil speech deceitfully, that is speaks as though innocently, unaware that what they say is an evil utterance. - Maimonides, Hilkhot Deot, 7:1-4

4. Rav Amram says, ‘There are three sins which no one escapes every day. . . lashon ha-ra.’ Lashon ha-ra! Rather- the dust of lashon ha-ra.- Baba Batra 165b

5. Why do human fingers resemble pegs? So that if one hears something improper, one can plug one’s fingers in one’s ears.- Ketubot 5b

6. A person is born with a fixed number of words to speak; when they are spoken, the person dies. Imagine that this is true for you. Every word that you speak brings you closer to death. The next time you are about to utter a word, ask yourself whether this word is worth dying for.- Baal Shem Tov

7. The Holy One said to the tongue: All the members of the human body are standing, you are lying; all the members of the human body are outside, you are inside; not only that, but I surround you with two walls, one of bone and one of flesh.- Arakhin 15b

8. A healing tongue is a tree of life. - Proverbs 15:4

9. When you want to maintain your God-consciousness while talking to others, see to it that everything you say is directed to God; you can also think that all the words you speak are coming to you from God who gives you the power to speak. - Darkhei Tzedek, 4:16

10. Twice a week you should have a set period for reflection and meditation on how you should be as careful in giving out words as in giving out money. - Hayei Musar, 3:89

11. You should receive every person with warmth, bear his yoke, and treat him with gentleness as if he were your king. It is part of human kindness to listen to him talk, even if he overdoes it.- Zot Zichron, p. 3

12. There are seven signs of a fool and seven of a wise person. The wise one does not speak in the presence of those who are greater in wisdom or number; does not interrupt another person’s speech; does not rush to answer; asks to the point and answers correctly; speaks of the first point first and of the last, last; if he has not heard of something, he says: ‘I have not heard of it;’ and he admits the truth. The reverse is true of the fool. - Pirke Avot 5:7

B. WHAT IS LASHON HARA?

1. Just as a person dislikes any blemish on their own name, so they should avoid damaging someone else’s reputation. - Avot d’Rabbi Natan 15:1

2. As a rule, most people seem to think that there is nothing morally wrong in spreading negative information about others as long as the information is true. Jewish law takes a very different view. Perhaps that is why the Hebrew term lashon ha-ra has no precise equivalent in English. For unlike slander, which is universally condemned as immoral because it is false, lashon ha-ra is by definition true. It is the dissemination of accurate information that will lower the status of the person to whom it refers.

Since lashon ha-ra is considered anything that lowers another person’s status, it is irrelevant whether one uses a nonverbal technique to commit it. Jewish law designates this behavior as avak lashon ha-ra (the “dust of lashon ha-ra).

3. Why is gossip like a three-pronged tongue? Because it kills three people: the person who says it, the person who listens to it, and the person about whom it is said.- Arakhin 15b

4. Rabbi Yossi taught, ‘I never made a statement for which I would have to turn around and check whether the person about whom I was speaking was present.’- Arakhin 15b

5. Do not speak in praise of your neighbor, for through speaking their praise you will come to disparage them. - Arakhin 16a

6. A person who says of a rabbi that he has no voice and of a cantor that he is not a scholar is a gossip. A person who says of a rabbi that he is no scholar and of a cantor that he has no voice is a murderer.- Rabbi Israel Salanter

7. Do I need to look behind me before I say it? If the answer is yes, do not say it.- Rabbi Abraham Twerski

8. Rav Monah said, “One who utters lashon hara causes the Shekhina to distance Herself.”- Devarim Rabba 5:10

9. Rabbi Yokhanan said, “Anyone who speaks lashon hara- it is as if they denied the fundamental principle (of Judaism).”- Arakhin 15b

10. You are not allowed to believe any Leshohn-Horah or Defamation. . .Even if you feel that what you hear is true—but a favorable interpretation is possible; Even after the matter has already been publicized. . . Even if in your opinion—there is no way to judge the matter favorably; Even though you do not agree fully with what you hear. . . Although the person who tells the Leshohn-Horah: Includes himself in his criticism. . . Does not intend to vilify anybody:. . . Expresses his willingness to repeat what he said—in the criticized person’s presence. . . Even if the person discussed was present himself and failed to react—you must not believe the Leshohn-Horah as long as that person fails to admit the wrong he was supposed to have done. Leshohn-Horah must not be believed if uttered; Even by one of your close relatives. . .Even by someone who is. . . trustworthy.

11. He who speaks Leshohn-Horah will find it difficult to make amends when he eventually decides to repent: Since he does not consider the sin to be that serious. . . Since he got used to Leshohn-Horah and is less able to restrain himself. . Because he is unable to cancel the effects of his Leshohn-Horah, since he would have to ask each of the vilified persons for forgiveness and it is very likely that: He does not remember—each person he slandered; He does not recall what he said—in each individual case; He is embarrassed to let people know—that he vilified them; He does not remember—to whom he related the Leshohn-Horah; He cannot erase the negative impression—which his words have made on the listeners; He cannot contact some listeners (he may remember). . . Since repentance is thus impossible—in the sense of the verse: “What has become distorted cannot be straightened out.” (Kohelet 1:15)

C. WHAT IS REKHILUT?

1. A subdivision of lashon ha-ra is tattling, telling others negative comments people have made about them.

2. Do not go about as a talebearer among your people.- Leviticus 19:16

3. In order for a community to succeed in (such) cultural change, it is useful for people to identify the desire and enjoyment element in rekhilut. It is hard to give up something without admitting that it has a lot to offer. Then one needs to identify the actual and potential pain and harm caused in order to make it worth foregoing the pleasure. The tool of awareness is critical to this process of teshuva on both an individual and a communal level.- Rabbi Sheila Peltz Weinberg

4. Casting aspersions on an ethnic, racial or religious group or on an organization or social group is also a form of rekhilut.- Rabbi David Teutsch

5. Divorce is a common situation hospitable to rekhilut. . . It is challenging to be a supportive friend and not play into this pattern.- Rabbi Sheila Peltz Weinberg

D. WHAT IS MOTZI SHEM RA?

1. The most grievous violation of ethical speech is the spreading of malicious falsehoods, what Jewish law calls motzi shem ra, “giving another a bad name.”

2. Take heed and know that a person who agrees with a slanderous statement when they hear it is as bad as the one who says it, for everyone will say, ‘That person listened to what has been said and agreed with it, and that shows that it must be true.’ Even if the hearer only turns to listen to the gossip and gives the impression of believing it to be true, they spread the evil, bring disgrace on their neighbor, and encourage slanderers to carry their evil reports to all people.- Jonah ben Avraham Gerondi, Shaarei Teshuva, section 3

3. There are 3 crowns- the crown of Torah, the crown of priesthood and the crown of royalty. And the crown of a good name exceeds them all.- Pirke Avot 4:17

4. You should refrain from speaking derogatorily of any man, and even of any creature or animal.- Rabbi Moshe Cordovero

E. WHEN IS “GOSSIP” APPROPRIATE?

1. The most obvious instance in which we are permitted to solicit “lashon hara for a purpose” is when we are in practical need of such information. Jewish law defines this as applying in the following situations: If we are planning to:
•   enter into a business relationship with another
•   hire an employee
•   go to work for someone
•   become involved, or if we are involved, in a romantic relationship with someone

2. Know that incidents. . . such as those involving theft, robbery, damage, the causing of pain, shaming and wronging with words, may be revealed to others. Even a solitary observer should relate what he has seen, so as to assist the one who has been wronged.- Jonah ben Avraham Gerondi, Shaarei Teshuva, 3:221

3. On Revealing Flaws in a Prospective Marriage Partner- First, he must be absolutely certain that the information is true. Second, the flaw must be of very great significance. Third, his intentions in revealing the information must be entirely noble and not vengeful in any way. Fourth, there must be a reasonable chance that the information will affect the person receiving the news. If it is most likely that the person will ignore the news then one may not reveal the information. Fifth, one may not exaggerate the information. Sixth, there must not be an alternative way of achieving the desired goal without revealing the sensitive information.- Chofetz Chayim, Hilkhot Rekhilut, Chapter Six

4. You are permitted to criticize someone who has slandered you. . .a robber, crook, swindler, bully, hypocrite. . . It is permitted to tell Leshohn-Horah about those troublemakers who started a controversy. . . in order to forestall fraud. . . If someone threatens that when he meets so-and-so he will insult him or cause him some other damage. . . In order to forestall possible damage in the future. . . In order to forestall problems arising in business partnerships, etc. . . In order to prevent Shidookhin problems. . . To a prospective father-in-law (or mother-in-law) that you have heard that the proposed son-in-law has an illness (or problematic views) which are not self-evident.

F. PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT

1. A person who publicly shames their neighbor is like someone who has shed blood. To which Rabbi Nakhman answered, ‘You have spoken well. I have seen that when someone is shamed, the color leaves their face and they become pale.’ Abbaye asked Rabbi Dimi, ‘What do people in Palestine most carefully try to avoid?’ He answered, ‘Putting others to shame.’ Three categories of people are condemned to Gehinnom for eternity. . . one who calls their neighbor by a degrading nickname, even if the other is accustomed to that name. . . It would be better for a person to throw themselves into a fiery furnace than publicly put their neighbor to shame.- Baba Metzia 58b-59a

2. The gossip stands in Syria and kills in Rome.- Peah 1:1

3. It once happened that while Rabbi was giving a lecture, he smelled garlic in the room. ‘The person who has eaten garlic must leave,’ he announced. Rabbi Khiya stood up and left, and then all the other scholars followed him out. In the morning, Rabbi Shimon, the son of Rabbi, met Rabbi Khiya and said, ‘Was it you who caused that annoying odor?’ ‘Heaven forbid,’ said Rabbi Khiya.- Sanhedrin 11a

4. If a person has repented it is forbidden to say to them- ‘Remember your early deeds.’- Baba Metzia 58b

5. An ancient Jewish teaching observes: It would be better for a person not to have been born at all than to experience these seven things:. . . and publicly shaming (another person).

6. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak- Rabbi Harold Kushner

7. Silence is a fence to wisdom.- Pirke Avot 3:17

8. At least a pillow contains a finite number of feathers. An email, on the other hand, can be forwarded ad infinitum.- Rabbi Michael Fessler

9. In order to avoid embarrassing someone even unintentionally, don’t raise your voice when talking to him. . . Don’t raise a subject which may embarrass him. . . Don’t boast about your children. . . Don’t visit someone unannounced.

10. Let the honor of another be as beloved in your eyes as your own.- Pirke Avot 2:15

G. RESPECTING PRIVACY

1. When you make a loan of any sort to your neighbor, you must not enter their house to seize their pledge. You must remain outside, while the person

to whom you made the loan brings the pledge out to you.- Deuteronomy 24:10

2. Cursed is the one who strikes their neighbor in secret.- Deuteronomy 27:24

3. A person should never enter another person’s home without warning. In this regard we can learn good manners from God, who remained outside the Garden of Eden and called to Adam before entering, as it is written, “Adonai Elohem called out to man and said to him, ‘Where are you?’”- Derekh Eretz Rabba, ch. 5

4. Tell no tales about friend or foe; unless silence makes you an accomplice, never betray a person’s secret. Suppose someone has heard you and learned to distrust you, they will seize the first chance to show their hatred. Have you heard a rumor? Let it die with you. Never fear, it will not make you burst. A fool with a secret goes through agony like a woman in childbirth.- The Wisdom of Ben Sira, 19:8-11

5. Rumor had it that a certain disciple of Rabbi Ammi revealed a secret report he had been given in the house of study twenty two years earlier. So Rabbi Ammi expelled him with the accusation: ‘This man reveals secrets!’- Sanhedrin 31a

6. The gains from invading privacy are usually obvious, but some of the largest costs of invading privacy are more subtle. These include not only the short-term strain on relationships and the losses to the person whose privacy has been breached, but the broader erosion of trust, a form of moral and social capital that is critical to sustaining community and building relationships. . . When violating privacy also involves breaching confidentiality, the moral price of doing so increases considerably.- Rabbi David Teutsch

7. The existence of privacy in a world where information is so plentiful depends on our mutual agreement to respect each other’s privacy. Eavesdropping and opening someone else’s mail are flagrant examples of violating privacy rights. Of course, the speaker ought to take modest precautions, such as not speaking of private matters in a public place with a loud voice or while talking on a cell phone.- Rabbi David Teutsch

8. In the world of email, the use of the “bcc” feature (blind copy) violates privacy when it is used to let a third party or parties see an email that the receiver thinks is a completely private communication. However, in the case of an e-mail sent to a large group, one must use the bcc feature in order to preserve the privacy of the names and addresses on the distribution list.- Rabbi Shai Gluskin

H. WHEN AND HOW TO REBUKE

1. You shall not hate your neighbor in your heart. Reprove your neighbor but bear no guilt because of them.- Leviticus 19:17

2. Whoever can stop the members of their household from sinning and doesn’t is held responsible for the sins of the household. If one can stop the members of the city from sinning and doesn’t, one is responsible for the sins of the city. If one can stop the whole world from sinning and doesn’t, one is responsible for the sins of the whole world.- Shabbat 54b

3. Jerusalem was destroyed because its citizens didn’t rebuke one another.- Shabbat 119b

4. How do we know that one who sees their friend do something ugly is obligated to rebuke them? Because it is written, ‘You shall surely rebuke, yes, rebuke your neighbor.(Leviticus 19:17)’- Arakhin 16b

5. Before you criticize someone, ask yourself three questions: 1. How do I feel about offering this criticism? Does it give me pleasure or pain? 2. Does my criticism offer specific ways to change? 3. Are my words nonthreatening and reassuring?

6. Love unaccompanied by criticism is not love.- Bereshit Rabba 54:3

7. Do not rebuke a scoffer for they will hate you; reprove a wise person and they will grow wiser.- Proverbs 9:8

8. Just as a person is commanded to speak up if they will be heeded, so a person is not commanded to speak up if they will not be heeded.- Yevamot 65b

9. A person who rebukes another, whether for offenses against the rebuker themselves, or for sins against God, should administer the rebuke in private, speak to the offender gently and tenderly, and point out that they are speaking only for the wrongdoers good. . . If the wrongdoer accepts the rebuke, well and good. If not, they should be rebuked a second and a third time. And so one is bound to continue the admonition until the sinner assaults the admonisher and says, “I refuse to listen.”- Maimonides, Hilkhot Deot, 6:7

10. The external marks of humility are ‘gentle speech, a low voice, meekness when exasperated and sparing in taking vengeance when one has the power to execute it,’ and the lack of haughtiness when rebuking others.- Bachya ibn Pakuda

11. One who hates admonition does not leave themselves a path toward repentance.- Maimonides, Hilkhot Teshuva, 4:2

12. Judge all people favorably.- Pirke Avot 1:6

I. WHEN AND WHY TO LIE

1. Lying lips are an abomination to the Holy One.- Proverbs 12:22

2. The punishment of a liar is that even when they speak the truth they are not believed.- Sanhedrin 89b

3. One should not promise a child something, and then not give it to them, because as a result the child will learn to lie.- Sukka 46b

4. If you suspect that a statement made by one person about another may cause trouble, don’t repeat it. In the Torah, the eighty-nine-year old Sarah, overhearing an angel of the Lord predicting that she will give birth to a child within the year, laughs to herself and says, ‘Now that I am withered, am I to have enjoyment, with my husband so old?’ In the next verse, God asks Abraham, ‘Why did Sarah laugh, saying, ‘Shall I in truth bear a child, old as I am?’’ (Genesis 18:12-13) Compare Sarah’s words with God’s, and you will notice that the Lord leaves out the words, ‘with my husband so old,’ presumably because these words might hurt or anger Abraham. On the basis of this verse, the Rabbis conclude, ‘Great is peace, seeing that for its sake even God modified the truth’ (Yevamot 65b).

5. It is a mitzva to gladden the bridegroom and bride and to dance before them and to say that she is beautiful and graceful, even if she is not beautiful. . . If a person made a bad purchase in the market you should praise it in their eyes.- Ketubot 16b-17a

6. Rabbi Joshua ben Khananya was served oversalted food at a host’s home. When the hostess noticed that he was not eating, asked, “Why do you not eat?”, he answered, “I just finished eating earlier.”- Eruvin 53b

7. Jewish law permits, or even obligates, us to lie, exaggerate, or otherwise mislead another:

•   lying to prevent future harm (for example, when life- either your own or someone else’s- is at stake)
•   lying in order to right a past wrong done to you (for example, when dealing with a dishonest or deceptive person or government)
•   lying when the effect of telling the truth will cause unnecessary hurt (for example, when people’s feelings are involved, and no advantage, but only pain, will come from speaking the truth)
•   trying to create peace or otherwise do good (for example, lying to a poor person to encourage him to accept money he needs)
•   lying because a question invades your zone of privacy (for example, a woman who tells unwanted suitors that she is engaged or married)
•   lying when exaggerating to make a point, and it is understood that you are exaggerating (“I was so upset, I thought I was going to explode.”)

8. It is permitted to tell a complete lie for the sake of peace.- Chofetz Chayyim, Hilkhot Rekhilut, 1:8

9. Be untruthful to others as you would have others be untruthful to you.- Dr. David Nyberg

GUARD MY TONGUE FROM EVIL AND MY LIPS FROM SPEAKING FALSEHOOD

THE GIFT OF LISTENING FROM HEALING FROM DESPAIR

“Whenever we listen to a suffering soul, we offer a precious gift and in doing so we become a blessing.”

“When a person brings me a story of loss, I listen as if honoring a sacred text. On the pshat level, I listen to learn what happened: the simple events in chronological order, the characters, and the physical realities. Then comes the level of remez, the emotional responses, whether anger, guilt or fear, that require a caring presence for the telling of the story. At the drash level the story is analyzed intellectually for the issues that can be addressed, perhaps theologically or with the aid of a physician or a fellow survivor. And for sod, the mystical level, understanding must be intuitive, the listener must uncover the unspoken.”- p. 37

“Active listening can offer compassion by taking in a story without passing judgment, by responding to the unspoken questions, and by addressing the questions of identity and purpose. And more, Buber recognized that we find the divine not in the moment of the ecstatic experience alone but in the simple, daily task of being fully present with others and thereby with God.”- p. 122

“When I listen, I try to do so with attentiveness to the unspoken, and with a focus on honoring the gifts within the suffering soul. I am aware of the presence of divine sparks in each person, sparks that yearn to return to the Creator, to the source of goodness.”- p. 114

“When we become listeners, we become aware of the suffering that has been quietly hiding all around us. To listen well is to be open to the suffering of the speaker, without offering judgments or solutions. When we listen actively, we offer humility and compassion, the blessings of despair.”- p. 46

“To listen carefully is a privilege that may take a toll on the listener. To listen is to hear a story without giving in to the urge to solve the crisis, to give advice, to challenge false assumptions, or to fix the brokenness. Listening requires offering the gifts of time, patience, and kindness.”

“To listen to another person is to bring comfort through connection. . . In listening to a soul in pain, sometimes all we can offer is mindful listening. And in that act of listening, we validate that the soul is worthy of time and attention, that the burdens that cause pain are real and heavy, and that good continues to exist in a broken world. Our very presence as caring listeners attests to the kindness that exists in an imperfect but beautiful world.”- pp. 122-123

Afghanistan Photos

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 23:26:00 GMT

Posted a sample of photos in the gallery.
Lots more on my Facebook page too.

Jan. 7- Mission Complete

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 03:05:00 GMT

Jan. 8- Well, it took the combined forces of being a New Yorker and a Colonel to get me out of the CRC, but I did it! After Tuesday's debacle, I had NO patience for "the process". I had made a plane reservation for 6:58 p.m. and a shuttle reservation for 2:15, and I announced to the cadre that they needed to make sure I got there on time. There was the additional complication of waiting for the orders, which also took a bit of pushing on my part.

On Tues. at lunch I was sitting with one of the doctors- a cigar buddy- and another lady at the table asked me, "Are you a boss?" I really wasn't sure where she was going with it, but the doctor quickly replied, "She sure acts like one." Oh well- I'm basically unapologetic. I tried to be respectful but insistent, and, by the way, if you want something done- call me!

The inefficiency continued with all of us being shlepped back to medical to have our PPD tests read, even though half of us hadn't needed PPD tests. Of course they weren't ready for us and it was hard to sort out who needed to be there and who didn't. I respectfully suggested to the NCO in charge that those of us who didn't need the PPD simply wait on the bus, so that there were fewer bodies milling around. "Oh no," he said, "we can't divide people up." The staff person looked at my paperwork and commented, "I don't know why they brought you here- you don't need to be here."

The next thing they did was take some of us to dental (where we waited at least half an hour for someone to staff the reception desk, because, of course, we couldn't do this on Tues. as we can only come in our assigned time slot when they have us scheduled), and some of us to finance. Silly me- I couldn't help but wondering why they just didn't drop those who didn't need the PPD reads at dental to begin with. . . . .

Finance was the last station in the a.m.- couldn't complete that as I didn't have the orders, but we played "as if" and the orders were eventually faxed to him.

Got my bags staged, turned in linen and signed out of the room, quick lunch, then on to the LAST stop- 1300- processing of final paperwork. (Seems I've earned two new awards- the Afghanistan Campaign Medal with one Campaign Ribbon, and the NATO Medal- per my all-important DD 214- Discharge from Active Duty.) That will be a project for weeks from now, to see what those look like and reorganize the ribbons on my uniform.

We sat down in the briefing room and I watched the clock ticking as I laboriously pulled out various forms. At 1315 I stood up and walked out- asked if I could just get to the actual processing station. (Sometimes you just HAVE to pull rank- I hate to do it but it's good to have it when you need it and, frankly, I don't think I would volunteer to do this if I were NOT a Colonel).

Long story short- I made the van at 2:17, got to the airport, and arrived home by 10:00 p.m. It was awesome to see Sarah and David and I have surprisingly made my peace with the chaos in my home and the fact that I can't just work straight through until every last piece of clothing, paperwork and equipment has found its place. I'm at Chai Thurs. and Fri., Fountain Hills Fri. night, then back to Moffett Field Sat. a.m. through Mon. eve.

I came home weary and with an upset stomach, and I will just have to take it one step at a time. Good lesson for me.

I called SFC Cohen from the airport to let him know that he was missing a good line. He said he thinks he should receive an "Expert" badge in moving bags and waiting in line. . . . me too!

In the final analysis- great mission, challenging logistics and significant physical impact. Would I do it again- yes- still planning for April 2010.

Thanks for caring.

Special thanks to Frannie for posting these every day- Fran, I'll take care of this one! You are the best and I really appreciate and love you!

Out here- B.

Limnot Yamenu Keyn Hoda

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 11:43:00 GMT

"Teach us to number our days"- For someone to whom it is SO important to make every day count, you can imagine my frustration. We had to load busses this a.m. at 0530 to do our medical processing. We were done, FOR THE DAY, at 0800. The only thing standing between me and leaving is:
having the dentist admire my teeth
processing my discharge form and reviewing my SGLI and Emergency Contact data
getting my amended orders
All of that could be done, with efficiency, in less than two hours.
I find it, frankly, criminal, that the time of so many people was wasted in this way.
I have made my own flight arrangements for tomorrow eve. and called a shuttle to the airport.
Dental is in the a.m. and the paperwork is scheduled at 1:00.
I have to be ready for the shuttle at 2:15; I plan to pull rank and put myself at the front of the paperwork line and ask for an individual ride back to the CRC site to catch the shuttle. Flight leaves at 6:58; my backup is the last flight out, departing at 9:15 tomorrow night.
If the orders don't come through I'll need suicide counseling.

Funny moment of the day- waiting for a ride back after medical, standing with 3 guys. One pulls out a box of cereal from his side pocket, and the other teases him- you're back in the U.S. where food is available, you don't have to be storing it anymore! Then me and the 4th guy each pulled apples out of our pockets!

Jan 5

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:53:00 GMT

Well- 40 hours from bag drop to landing- WOW! Not sure what I wrote in my stupor, so hope this isn't redundant. Just a few random observations:

SFC Cohen is gone! He left CRC around noon and headed back to Ft. Dix- his home. I am seeking solace with a group of doctors who have adopted me; looking forward to going OUT to dinner with them tonight!

When we went through customs in Kuwait, we had to dump the contents of every single bag we had and go over it with a Navy Customs person. Among the interesting stories- last week an officer was found with pieces of a grenade stashed at the bottom of his Camelback. Now they understand that some random bullets may be rattling around, but they don't look kindly on people deliberately trying to smuggle contraband. He got a one-way ticket back to theatre to explain this to his boss. The Sergeant Major in our group lost a Cuban cigar, despite swearing he would smoke it during what turned out to be 19 1/2 hours of waiting!!!

On previous deployments I have heard of C-4 explosive material being placed in silly putty containers, and bullets extracted from bars of soap.

While we were waiting, I was talking with a former federal law enforcement agent who now does contract counter-terrorism contract work. He mentioned that there was not a night that he didn't hear some young soldier on the phone crying over relationship issues back home- the casualties of war. His eyes teared up, this big, tough dude, as he told me of his own wife who left their 23 year marriage after he was gone only 3 months.

File this under amazing coincidences- on the bus ride to the airport, I sat with the only other female COL on our flight. We were chatting about the good old days and the old women's uniforms, and discovered that we were both commissioned on the exact same date- same day, month and year!!!!

When we arrived, we had some welcome home stuff and then went directly to CIF- Central Issuing Facility, to turn in all the equipment that was issued to us and they wanted back. SFC Cohen and I had stashed stuff in the chaplain's office, so we got a ride back to reclaim it. This allowed me to get the bags while he picked up some beer from our little shoppette, which would have been closed by the time we finished.

They really stress NOT to leave stuff, as the plan is to go directly to CIF from the plane. This is roundly ignored. There were people going to UPS, having friends bring stuff, going to off site storage facilities and other offices. The only wonder (not really) is that they haven't figured out a system of NOT issuing all this stuff, so that everyone doesn't NEED a plan of where to hide it and not have to shlep it all around the theatre. The best story we heard- someone wrapped a duffle bag with a trash bag, walked 1/4 mile into the woods, and chained it to a tree!

By 9:00 p.m. we were in line for rooms- yes- another line. Believe it or not, the Staff Duty Officer said the following to me, "We're very crowded- I have a room for you but it may not be satisfactory. If it's not, come back and I'll change it." I politely replied, "I am a tired, cranky O-6- could we just skip to the next step where you give me a satisfactory room now?" I have a single!!!!

The insanity continued- come in at 0530 for a PPD (T test. Well, I and the doctors have paperwork proving we don't need a test. I took it all the way up the chain of command and the answer came back- you still have to be there. (I just met with the Battalion Commander to pass along a whole list of issues from myself and the rest of the group.) To add insult to injury, at 0530 we got an apology- come back at 0615. What makes this completely lunatic is that we have 0530 again tomorrow a.m. for MEDICAL.

One of the docs said- "It's a good thing I don't have bullets." He's the same one who demonstrated during the Traumatic Brain Injury brief by banging his head against the table.

I made a flight reservation for Wed. eve.; David will have to cover my adult BBM class. Will work in Phx. Thurs. and Fri., get through drill Sat./Sun./Mon., then really looking forward to what passes for normalcy in my life!

Jan 4

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:50:00 GMT

Just a quick note to say arrived USA. We flew from Kuwait to Leipzig, Leipzig to McGuire AFB, NJ. It took 36 hours to get from first bag drop on Fri. to this moment. Long, long journey of sitting and waiting and delays. When we finally boarded the busses to get to Kuwait City International Airport from Ali Al Salem Air Base, we had to get off and line up in yet another formation, for a by name roll call, as the numbers on the busses didn't add up to the head count on the manifest.

Then we sat outside the plane while it was refueled. The flight attendants had to call their union and unanimously agree to waive their rest period, or we would have had to wait longer.

More later- SFC Cohen's family just showed up for a brief visit!

Jan 2

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 18:58:00 GMT

Well, what a surprise. No flight panned out all week. We made arrangements this a.m. to hold two Shabbas services here- one on the Army side and one on the AF side. Had an email sent out and posters made, and we'll see. Threw in some laundry and will spend the rest of the day organizing and packing. Show time is early early, but we are not scheduled to be wheels up until 14+ hours after show time. Gonna be a LONG journey. Once we make the roll call, we are on lockdown and will be held in a segregated area until liftoff. No sense doing too much organizing, as every single thing from every single bag and pocket has to be dumped on the ground for Customs to go through.

Orders will have to be amended, appointments will have to be rescheduled, but, with any luck, I should be in Phoenix by late Wed.

Shabbat Shalom.

Jan 1 follow up

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 18:57:00 GMT

A correction to my previous email:

The biggest heartache, of course is that I am missing precious moments with Sarah who is home on winter break!

Jan 1

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 18:56:00 GMT

Okay, I'm making my peace (not really, but what choice do I have?) with spending Shabbas at Ali Al Salem. I'm really frustrated and, frankly, angry that my higher headquarters has been unable to extricate me from here. The people at the APOD say they've never seen anything like the back-up here; I made a joke of it and told them that based on my experience they did not have great credibility.

The environment adds to the grim-ness- we are having a major wind/sand storm so the visibility is poor and there's a cold wind blowing.

Do I sound like I'm whining? SFC Cohen and I were smoking cigars and the SGT who joined us suggested that we should be happy no one was shooting at us. I guess he's right. He then regaled us with his war stories. Said someone asked him just yesterday if he had ever killed anyone and he said yes. She asked if he felt anything- he said- sometimes yes, sometimes no.

There was a contract spy guy (I'm not kidding) sitting with us- his response was- the recoil of the gun? (As in, that's what he feels!) So this dude claims that in an attempt to fire a warning shot at a 14 year old who was poised to launch an RPG into his FOB in Afghanistan (one I've visited, BTW), the bullet richocheted and not only shot and killed the boy, but his step mom who was standing behind him. He was cleared in the subsequent investigation. Secret Agent Man was impressed with his conservation of ammunition.

This is clearly another universe.

I gave it up today and checked out some linen, made my bed and SFC Cohen did an awesome job of packing up my sleeping bag, body armor and helmet, and, a bunch of clothes, into one duffle bag. I've been a bit worried about getting all my stuff into the 4 authorized bags, and this did much to quell my anxiety. The above mentioned cigar was in celebration of that success. I actually asked my tent-mates if they minded if he came in to work, since it made now sense to work on this project in the blowing dust. They were okay with it- there's a no male in female tents rule, and vice versa, obviously.

I'm hoping to get confirmation that I won't make the last R&R flight on Fri. so that I can plan for Fri. night services. I'm going to do one in our area and one on the Air Force side of the base.

Another heartache- When I get back, I'm stuck with my regular Army drill ("Battle Assembly") 10-12 Jan. I would just tell them to stuff it, but we're doing the groundbreaking for our new building and I am to offer the invocation, and it's a pretty big deal. I also haven't been to drill since Oct.

In the time since we left Ali and since we've been back, they cleaned up all the graffitti in the restrooms. Now it's coming back, and here are a few thoughts that I think capture the essence of the experience for most participants:

"I miss my kids! "

"There's nothing like a deployment that will end a marriage."

"F**k this deployment"- underneath- "There's nothing like getting paid to eat and sleep all day. Are you serious?"

Dec 31

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 23:32:00 GMT

Dec. 31- Another fun day in Kuwait. Every moment is an interesting educational
experience, both learning and teaching. I was barely out of my tent, when a
young LT stopped to question me about the disconnect between my hat and my rank.
(As I indicated, this is an ongoing source of confusion for others and amusement
to me.) I told him that I was a Jewish chaplain, and he showed me the bookmark
he was studying as a sort of morning devotion as he walked. It was from a
Christian religious supplies shop, and had a number of names of God
transliterated from the Hebrew and with references in the Tanakh. I was able to
share a bit of insight about each one.

Got into the DFAC, and saw a sailor with a kippa- turns out he's the lay leader
at Ali Al Salem, so I had a conversation with him about the challenges he faces-
mostly, insufficient participation in his services. If we're still here Friday
night, we'll certainly attend. I hope not to be!

After breakfast we boarded the bus to Camp Arifjan once again, and got here in
time for lunch and to change into civilian clothes. We traveled with the local
chaplain assistant, the Area Support Group Chaplain, and the Army (COL) Priest
into Kuwait City, where we brought some humanitarian supplies, especially rice,
to the local Protestant Church. We saw, and photographed, the Catholic
Cathedral and the Grand Mosque, albeit from a moving vehicle. It was
interesting to see the extravagant Kuwaiti homes the oil money buys, and the
men's and women's attire in the streets.

By the way, we were the only two people on this bus this morning- I don't know
about SFC Cohen, but I felt very important having two armed guards accompanying
us and another escort vehicle with two more "shooters."

The Protestant community has one compound where they hold a broad variety of
services. They are not in need of the aid provided. There are many TCN's- Third Country Nationals,

who work in Kuwait. They are sometimes abused, and flee to places they feel may

be safe. Those places can't always sustain them, so we give aid to the

churches which gets it to those who are caring for these individuals

A special treat was a stop at a local
restaurant for some very good Turkish coffee and dinner to go.

Camp Arifjan is divided into various areas, which they call "zones", and we got
back in time to get to "Zone Six" to check out the shops there. (Or so we
thought.) Being the small world that it is, we not only ran into the Rabbi
there, looking for a gift for his wife, but the female Jewish COL we had met
yesterday. She rode the shuttle back to Zone One with us, we loaded up our
stuff, and went to wait for the 1700 bus, thinking it would be nice to be home a
bit earlier. (My roommates (I guess I should say tentmates) were worried about
me last night!- I had never even met them but they saw all my stuff there and no
me.)

Anyway, at about 1645 SFC Cohen decided to double-check the bus schedule, and,
lo and behold, the bus was actually at 1600- the next one is not till 2100.
Oops- another late night. Bottom line is that we can do the same things here-
check email, eat, make phone calls, smoke cigars, as we can there. I just feel
bad because my choices are either to turn on the overhead light when I get back
to the tent and potentially wake whoever is in there, or try to grope my way
with an inadequate flashlight.

I think I'll go pick up some more AAA batteries. . .

Dec 30

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 23:32:00 GMT

Dec. 30th and still no flight for tomorrow. This is breathtaking- I can take that flight with a unit redeploying, and then pay my own airfare to get to Ft. Benning from wherever they land. Can you imagine???

However, we had an amazing day today and I'm only sorry that I won't remember every little detail. Had a quick breakfast and then had my eyebrows threaded. From 9:45-10:30 I checked and responded to 10 emails on the excruciatingly slow AKO system.

A quick shower, then I treated myself and SFC Cohen to 30 minute back, neck and shoulder massages at the PX Spa. Quick lunch, then we boarded a bus to Camp Arifjan, which is the big theatre staging ground about 30 km from here. We were going just for him to see the place.

We checked in at the chapel and made two phone calls- to the Rabbi, Henry Sousan, who is assigned there, and to our HQ, ARCENTCOM. Made a quick stop by the latter to say hi, and arranged to meet Ch. S. at 1700.

In between I bought myself a lovely 21 carat (?- that's what the bill says) gold bangle bracelet to match the earrings I bought here years ago and the ring I bought many years ago in Korea.

Met the Rabbi- incredibly interesting and charming gentleman. Not sure how the U.S. Army is lucky enough to have him. He grew up in Germany where his father and brother are both rabbis, and has a wife in medical school in England. He showed us his Khanukka photos, and amazing photos of tashlikh on the beach in Kuwait.

He was with two members of the Jewish congregation here, and, as our SPC T. had rightly observed, when Jews get together the conversation soars. Meanwhile, the CPT who was with him saw me and shouted, "You were here LAST time I was at Arifjan!"

We talked about growing up in Germany and what that was like- he was in Freiburg and more in a French than German environment. He was recruited to the Army by the fabulous retired Rabbi/Chaplain Ken Leinwand, who wrote me the Officer Evaluation Report that got me promoted to COL. I learned that Ken is now a rabbi in Holland.

When I was here last time I adored the lady who sells Persian rugs at the mall, and stopped in to say hi to her. It was a very warm reunion. At the time she had a daughter studying at the U. of A., whom I called when I got back to the States. (Want/Need quality rugs- sarvnaz@hotmail.com- Nazi is her name.

We had such an interesting conversation with her. She showed photos of her 3 daughters, and SFC Cohen commented- "I'll take that one." We reminded him that he is in a place where a second wife is not outside the realm of possibility.

Nazi said, though, that the contemporary generation of Kuwaiti women would never put up with such a thing, and that the Kuwaiti men tend to marry women from Saudi Arabia, Qatar and other Gulf states. It was amazing to hear her casually refer to a friend as "a princess"- like- for real!

Oh- and the Jewish CPT described in lavish detail the weekly dimaniya he attends with his local Kuwaiti contacts. It's every Wed. night and the only females present are American. He enjoys fabulous food and great relationships with Emirs, Princes and Sheikhs, and they are aware tht he is Jewish. Unfortunately they are not meeting tomorrow night due to New Year's Eve.

After a quick dinner, we went back to the chapel area to smoke the best cigars I have. The chaplain assistant happened to come by, and happened to mention that they are going in to Kuwait City tomorrow on a humanitarian mission, and I asked if SFC Cohen could join them.

When we got back to Arifjan I found out that I do not have a flight tomorrow, so I'll go too! We have to wear civilian clothes, of which I have none, but SFC Cohen thinks he has some extras. (He's about 5'6" and 135 lbs. so that should work perfectly!)

Not quite sure about this getting home thing. . . . More later.

Dec 29

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 23:31:00 GMT

Hey All- Just a quick note from Kuwait. Nine hours from show time to arrival. It's 11:00 p.m. (2300) local time. The bags have not been unloaded yet so we decided to do the computer thing while we wait, then we're gonna hit midnight chow.

The big "plan" was for us both to wait until Sat. for the "Freedom Flight" (redeploying soldiers) to Ft. Benning. That means I wouldn't start outprocessing until Mon. Jan. 5th.

Somewhat an issue as my orders expire on Jan. 4th.

SFC Cohen has no choice, as he has a weapon and no weapons case, so he is stuck here. Army Central Command is trying to get me on an R&R flight. Only drag is that I then have to find a way to shlep myself and all my stuff from the Atlanta Airport to the CRC at Ft. Benning. AND- I have to be separated from my beloved assistant!

It's good for him, 'cause if he's in Kuwait after 31 Dec., his salary for Jan. will be tax-free. In my life, time is more valuable than money, and I will happily fly out on the last flight on 31 Dec.; I've done it before!

As an act of faith, I claimed a tent, but no linen- figure I can sleep in my sleeping bag on top of the mattress tonight, and use the laundry bag as a pillow!!!

They'll let me know in the a.m., so stay tuned.

Dec 27/28

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 23:30:00 GMT

Getting ready for havdala and the 7th night. Only took an hour to drop off

laundry this a.m. and an otherwise relaxing Shabbas. It’s a little chilly, but

SFC Cohen and I toughed it out and enjoyed a late afternoon cigar. Missed the

martini- favorite alcoholic beverages is a HUGE topic of conversation. Last
week we said havdala on two cigarette lighters held close together- this week we

discovered dozens of havdala candles among the Jewish supplies.

We met one of our “stranded in Kuwait” friends for lunch, and I brought along a

Jewish soldier who had arrived recently and thought that in order to maintain

any kind of kashrut observance he would have to live on MRE’s for the year. I

suggested that, if it accorded with his personal comfort zone, that there were

many things that he could eat in the DFAC in order to add some variety to his

diet- whole/cut fruits and vegetables, peanut butter and cheese, eggs, etc. I

think that he was very relieved to have rabbinic “permission” to cut himself a

little slack.

I sat with a very interesting young man who works as a civilian on an HTT- Human

Transition Team. This is a group of sociologists and anthropologists who

travel the country interviewing locals. His assessment of the problem facing

the coalition forces is that we are more concerned with protecting the force

than protecting the locals.

The Taliban will tell the local village- Do what we say or we will kill you. We

come in- Do what we say or we won’t build you a well. A well might be nice to

have, but surviving might be nicer.

He suggested that there is too much emphasis on military responses- “Winning the

hearts and minds, yeah- two to the heart and one to the mind.”

Other accomplishments of the day- I sent a box to a Jewish psychologist who is

at a camp near Kabul and unable to get to Bagram. He and a few other Jews are

there with zero supplies, so I pulled together a tallit, prayerbooks, Tanakh,

shabbas and yahrtzeit candles and some literature.

I also happened to be the only person in the building when a soldier who is

heading home happened by, in tears, looking for some on the spot counseling.

Her friend had committed suicide in one of the tents here, and it was bringing

up a lot of guilt and sadness for her. She was second guessing herself and

imagining that if only she had done more, she might have saved his life. I

tried to say all the things that you are supposed to say in such a situation.

She really wanted to talk to a chaplain who had been here at the time, and I was

able to connect her with an appropriate individual.

Apropos winning hearts and minds- headline in today’s Stars and Stripes- “CIA

Sees Rise in Intelligence Thanks to Viagra.” I am NOT kidding- apparently this

is how we are making friends with local village elders. Here’s the final

paragraph- unedited- “Four days later, when the Americans returned, the gift had

worked its magic, the operative recalled. ‘He came up to us beaming,’ the

official said. ‘He said, ‘You are a great man.’’ ‘After that we could do

whatever we wanted in his area.”

Dec. 28-

Getting ready for the final night. We packed up the leftover supplies and have

the table set and khanukkiyot at the ready.

Did I mention that one of my regulars has a sister in Gilbert who knows me?

We have a flight scheduled to Kuwait for Monday. From there we will likely

catch a “Freedom Flight”, a military charter of re-deploying soldiers heading to

Ft. Benning. It will take a few days for paperwork, mandatory briefings and

equipment turn in, and then I’ll be home!

One of our congregation members here invited us to stop by her office today.

Her 19 year old assistant had some questions about Judaism. While we were

there, she invited their unit cameraman to stop by so that he could tape me

explaining the story of Khanukka to send back to her 5 year old daughter.

Hoping she’ll send me a copy.

We had 7 guests last night, include one LDS soldier who saw the advertising and

just came because she was interested. We were going around the table reading

aloud a Khanukka story that made reference to the Holocaust, and she started

crying and couldn’t continue. Tonight it was just 9 of us Jews, and the

Combined Joint Task Force Chaplain stopped by to present us with Certificates of

Appreciation. Don’t know if I mentioned that they had invited me back for

Pesakh. I respectfully declined and suggested that I would begin now to clear

my schedule and plan for Pesakh 2010. And I will request SFC Cohen as my

assistant!

Another participant tonight was telling us that all his roommates work different

shifts, so the room is constantly dark. He considers this a good thing, as he

can sleep any time. (He currently has night shift.) I thought it was sweet

when he said that the electric menora we gave him is currently providing light

for him.

Note from mom- she said I didn’t make clear at any point that there are little

spa shops in all the PX malls. I mentioned something about wanting to have some

work done, ideally in Kuwait, prior to returning to civilization. I DO find it

constantly amusing how much to guys who are deployed enjoy these services. It

is a common occurrence to see a seasoned, male soldier laid out having a facial

and a pedicure.

We picked up laundry today. I also want to make clear that this is an activity

unto itself. We estimated that it’s about a half mile walk each way, and then

you have to stand in line to drop it off and pick it up. SFC Cohen was smart,

and suggested that we arrive early to be the first in line. Good plan, as we

had that office all to make right after the laundry opened.

BTW- If you would like to follow his version of events, you can check

out-www.derftheworld.blogspot.com.

It was bittersweet to say goodbye to the guys this evening. Such characters.

Favorite line tonight from my favorite soldier- “You know, I get out and people

ask me what I’m going to miss the most about the Army, I’m gonna have to say,

‘Kicking down doors.’ And he meant it!

Won’t write again till Kuwait- will leave you with some of the best, most

memorable lines from the Religious School kid’s cards, of which we read every

one:

Dear People in the Amy

Make every day happy

Keep up the good fighting

Thank you for sacrificing your life

and. . . .. Good luck staying alive

Dec 27

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 23:25:00 GMT

Very, very sweet Shabbas. SFC Cohen and I cleaned up the whole area and set 13 places at the table, with siddurim, Khanukka handouts and cards, kosher MRE’s, water and wine and some candy that arrived in a box of donations yesterday from the 5 Towns in Long Island. Last week the soldiers were asking for challa, and we actually had one that was in good shape.

Exactly 13 people were in attendance and I was almost able to hit an occasional note. A few days ago our out of town guest was telling us about a time when his FOB got hit, and he wasn’t able to get out of his room for 3 days. His roommate wondered why he had stockpiled food and water under his bed, but he was prepared that moment.

As I taught the parsha, I used him as an example of a lesson learned from Joseph’s planning during the 7 years of plenty for the 7 years of famine.

I was talking off-line the other day to one of our regulars who is an MP, and she expressed concern about advertising our services- “This is where all the Jews are going to be gathered,” was the way she put it. She commented that once we are all in the room and have begun, her ears are highly attuned if the door opens. I guess that’s a good thing. They all have weapons close at hand and are still endlessly comparing equipment with each other, so I feel extremely safe. It’s sort of cute how if one person makes one tiny adjustment to their weapon, everyone notices (and has an opinion).

I was looking forward to my one bit of authorized wine of the week, but, sadly, it was completely awful and I was not desperate enough to drink it.

The AZ theme continues. As I was hanging out in front of the chapel annex waiting for someone with a key, an enthusiastic young female Captain-Chaplain greeted me. She’s on her way home after a year long deployment, headed back to- Tucson!!!!! She’s thinking about going on active duty and I gave her my card in case I can be of assistance.

We had one new person last night, a guy who walked in and was so excited to see me- he heard me speak at Fort Huachuca’s Days of Remembrance program last year and could not believe that we would cross paths20here at BAF. (I guess that counts as yet another AZ connection.)

Another CPT joined us, a regular who has not been by since I’ve been here. I asked him how he came to join the Army, and he told a long and fascinating story of his 9/11 experience. He had been visiting a friend in NY- on 9/10 he toured uptown and was planning to go downtown on the 11^th. His friend suggested that he begin with the World Trade Center, as parking would be easier there first thing in the a.m., and he communicated to his family that that was his plan.

Late that night a friend from Europe phoned and encouraged him to drop everything and drive up to Montreal, saying, “The Twin Towers will always be there, but how often do you get to see me?” He found this a compelling argument and drove through the night, without advising his family of the change in plans.

You can imagine the chaos that ensued the next a.m., as he stood outside an electronics shop watching the demise of the first tower and the hit on the second. Someone in the crowd asked him what he, as an American, was going to do about it, and he just came out with- “I guess I’m going to join the Army.” And he did!

He is now attending law school in between deployments!

He told one very funny story which I hope you don’t have to be a soldier to appreciate. As you are aware, the Army speaks in the language of acronyms. One of the most common is the TOC- Tactical Operations Center. Every place has one- it’s the place from which the battle is controlled and decisions are made.

We speak this language and somewhat take for granted that everyone knows what we mean. So, he recently had a soldier who had to write up a report and reference the TOC. Only, in his 6 year career, no one had ever explained to him what TOC actually meant.

Being an astute individual, he wrote up his report about the “Talk”. What else could he assume people were saying? “All you guys do there is “talk”- so I figured that’s what it was called!”

Great commentary on meetings and powerpoint and forms and regulations and how stuff gets done in the Army.

Dec 25

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 01:44:00 GMT

Khanukka continues- mostly the same folks but one new person who just arrived here in BAF and fortunately was directed to us. There were two soldiers killed in action, so Xmas eve. began with a "fallen comrade" ceremony for one of them- all available personnel line the main road as the casket is brought to the airfield for a "ramp ceremony" prior to takeoff. The time was changed so we missed it, but the two individuals were in the same units as two of our Jewish soldiers- sobering beginning to the Christian holiday. It was interesting to hear the two soldiers talk about their perspectives- one was the young man who had also served in the IDF. He was dismayed at the lack of seriousness and respect of the members of his unit. The other was our Infantry dude, and he does not like these ceremonies and prefers not to be reminded of the cost of war. He was brought up in the former Soviet Union, came to the States and remembers having a bris with no anesthesia at age 7! He's talking about joining the Phoenix Police Dept. when he gets out, so perhaps you'll meet him. He stayed late last night and talked alot about his experiences. (The Fillipino Chaplain Assistant who is our adopted child- been following us since Ft. Benning- commented to me after he left- "One thing I notice about Jewish people- they talk a LOT!") They have been talking a lot- they are so happy to have other Jews to talk to. This young man expresses much frustration with the rules of engagement and the paperwork battle. He said that any op. order that includes more than he can write on 4 fingers of one hand is too much information. He noted that death is the last thing on his mind, that he's a professional soldier, and that anyone who's running around afraid of being shot or blown up is in the wrong business. We have a Black female Captain in our group- her husband is president of the local Orthodox synagogue back home. Even she expressed disdain for the oversight of the International Committee for the Red Cross which she feels inhibits her operations at the local detainee facility. The infantry dude replied- "Yeah, I'd like the ICRC to inspect the Taliban detainee facilities- oh yeah- they don't have them- they just cut our heads off in front of the cameras". We received a bunch of Chanukka cards yesterday from a nun in Carmel, CA, describing her experiences as a missionary in Haiti. She included Khanukka gelt that was wrapped in Euro denominations- that was new to me.. The whole thing is pretty surreal. Our favorite comedian won't be with us this eve.- he's flying around the area delivering Christmas meals to the outlying FOB's. Won't be the same without him. Someone asked SFC Cohen last night if he knew the lay leader at Ft. Benning. He replied, "Why would I need the lay leader? I brought my own rabbi!" I had faxed some requested paperwork to my unit back home from Ft. Benning- somehow they never got it. Believe it or not, they're bugging me for it from here- I'm going to dig it out and try to scan and email it- beyond belief. . . . .

Dec 26

Rabbi Bonnie Koppell — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 01:23:00 GMT


COMMO WOES- Went to MWR after our 3 hr. 15 min. Khanukka gathering to try to 

look at Cox and Facebook.  Waited 20 mins. for a computer (phone line was an 

hour and forty five minutes), then spent another 20 mins. trying to get a single 

page to load.



Here at the office this a.m. to look at the official email and print the sermon 

I drafted yesterday.  So far it has taken 45 minutes to get Word to open up and 

print 3 pages, then get AKO to open up and to read and respond to 4 emails.



I have so little confidence in the system that I am now writing this note in 

Word, will copy and paste it into AKO and email it to myself at AOL- then 

hopefully disseminate it to you.  It took measureable time to nudge Word along 

to this point. 



We have a ride to the bazaar at 1100 and it’s now 1048- I still have to walk to 

the latrine and my room, so I know I won’t be able to finish this note now.



SFC Cohen and I went back to sick call this a.m.  I just wanted to get checked 

out one more time before I leave- (no word on when that might be but plan is for 

Mon./Tues.)- sinuses better, throat still irritated- Doc. said I can expect the 

hacking cough for several more weeks.  SFC Cohen now has the same throat issue 

that I had.



The building we are staying in has 4 separate rooms, but the walls only go about 

80% high, so the sound travels at night and we all have to listen to each other 

coughing away.



Have a new person in town, just in BAF two days ago, and yet another AZ 

connection- West Point Class of ’05, from Tucson!  



Our class clown has been bringing a super-sized dreidle, and last night one of 

the guys banged SFC Cohen’s hand with it.  I gave the offender a small, plastic 

dreidle and told him it was the “training dreidle.”  I figured I was now in 

trouble for not having done a “risk assessment” and given the soldiers a “safety 

brief” before we began to play.  They had a lot of fun trying to imagine what 

equipment the Army would now require as mandatory before anyone could engage in 

future dreidle missions.



SFC Cohen tells me that one of our regulars reported being asked by one of his 

soldiers what exactly goes on at these Khanukka gatherings and why it was so 

important for him to be there.  He said- we sing some songs, tell some stories, 

play some games, then seat around for 3 hours and talk.



Well- you do that here with us- why do you need to go there?

Because there, he answered, they get my jokes! 



There are tons of holiday care packages all over the place; couldn't get on the 

computer last night but some wonderful American sent, among other things, bobby 

pins!, which I found at MWR.  So I'm all set for the duration and can stop 

worrying about my one, official bobby pin.